Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Fidelio's New year's resolutions

This is the funniest list I have ever seen... Fidelio needs a fucking blog of his own or a tv show. Tonight he had me and CJ in stitches. Seriously he told stories funnier than any stand up show I have ever seen.

Here's his list in his words;

I wanna get in a sword fight with a real samurai. Those sons of bitches have been haunting my dreams for a while now and I think it's time I got some payback. My skills are a little rusty, but I got surprise on my side because I know where those bitches hang out...

I wanna make some moonshine. Not that cheap shit you find at tire shops. I mean the real deal, Holyfield kinda shit that doubles as an antiseptic and chemical warfare agent. My Papaw used to run shine in Tennessee when he was younger. I asked him about making it and to quote Old School "Old man river can't shut up about it." I haven't seen a gleam in his eye like this since that time he told me to hold down both battery cables while he tried to start the car. I was eleven and yeah, it fucking hurt...

I wanna beat a 14 year old kid at X-box. I'm gonna kick his ass in either: one of the Halo's or one of the Tom Clancy games. Haven't decided which, because I wanna recon which game has the largest nerd herd for my Thinning. That's what I'm gonna call it, too, The Thinning. I don't own an X-box, but I see those smug sons of bitches with their EMO haircuts and their lip rings and their anime t-shirts and they don't know it, but their asking for a fucking virtual world beat down. I can make it happen, too, cuz that's what I do, I look out for people's unspoken needs...

I wanna learn to play a Skynrd song. Haven't thought about which one, but I need to be able to do it using an electric guitar or a banjo. The instrument is my only limitation and the universe is my inspiration...

I wanna arm wrestle a cut-off sleeve, straight from the penitentiary, flannel, Brawny-man style shirt wearing dyke (In case you don't know, yeah, I got dyke friends so dyke, dyke, dyke, dyke...get over it) and as she's trying to Super Glue(tm) her radius and ulna back into place I'll yell out in triumphant glory "That one's for Captain Jack, bitches!"...

I wanna be able to crush an unopened beer can. I'm just gonna tell you once, bitches, beware the left hand...

I wanna do coke off of a stripper's ass. If you know me, you know I don't do that fucked up drug shit. It's bad for you're body, but if I find that Special Girl or three, you know, I'm down for whatever...

I wanna make a mixed tape to fuck to using only Sesame Street(tm) songs. This will take the most time, I think, because I've forgotten some of those old-school slow jams...

I wanna learn to say "You're mother's a whore, but she's the best damn whore I know" in twenty different languages using proper regional dialects. Some of you may think this a hard task, but it's only one phrase. Besides, I know there are some cunning linguists on this board (Did I just say that? Yes, I did, bitches) that may be able to help me with this one...

and finally, I wanna help an old lady cross the street. That's it. You know, traffic is worse than ever. Old ladies don't deserve to be run down by inconsiderate assholes who run red lights while receiving cancer emissions from their trendy Bluetooth(tm) compatible headsets. That shit's just wrong, man...

These are some of the things I wanna do this year and I should have no problem doing them because I've learned enough from this board to know it's all about frame control and I've got massive frame control in my Buffalo Stance.

If anyone would be willing to assist me in my endeavors, please feel free to send me an e-mail, off-line, and we'll plot.

Otherwise, to quote Stewie Griffin's prayer on the recent Saving Private Brian episode of Family Guy(tm) "Dear God (pause), just stay out of our way!"

Peace and Love,

Fidelio

4 comments:

  1. Hilarious!

    His style reminds me of TwentySix... I miss that guy.

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  2. Dude I got tears rolling down my face!!! I was telling CJ that guy is out of fucking control!

    He is right about talking to Old Timers about running shine though... My grandpa has been drunk since 1926 and one day I asked him about making whiskey and shine etc... He went off on a 45 minute rant about how you can only use a certain type of wood because if you use pine wood to burn the alcohol the feds can see the smoke from the air, and then he told me about how to make it etc.

    I have never felt closer to my crazy ass grandfather than I did that day! He can probably help Fidelo out on running shine... he honestly has nothing better to do!

    Gotta run study Poli Sci shit now... thanks sinn for the advice with the V-card.

    -Priest-

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  3. Anonymous8:36 AM

    about the your mom's the best whore there is... well, check this out: "Din morsa är en hora, men hon är den bästa horan jag har någonsin haft." that's swedish... just 19 to go
    peace

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  4. Cobra1:37 AM

    That guy is funny alright! I'll help him out on his quest as well (can't guarantee the spelling):

    French: Ta mère est une pûte, mais elle est la meilleure damnée pûte que je connais!

    Spanish: Tu madre es una puta, pero es la mejor maldita puta que conozco!

    German: Deine Mutter ist eine Hure, aber sie ist die verdammt beste Hure die ich kenne!

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