Thursday, February 28, 2013

Sticking Points Re-Visited # 1: Dealing WIth Anxiety


 The biggest problems guys have with women all come down to anxiety.

 Specifically they come down to anxieties related to:

 1. Socializing- We used to refer to this under the blanket term social anxiety, however social anxiety is different from anxiety that is triggered by socializing. If you dread going in to the office because you have to say hello and make small talk with your co-workers you may have social anxiety. If you get nervous at 4 PM on a Friday because you know you're going to have to go out that night, you have anxiety related to socializing. Approach anxiety is a form of anxiety related to socializing rather than actual social anxiety.
 2. Sex- Sexual anxiety can take many forms from size shame, to performance anxiety, to unreasonable concerns about STDs, etc... Sexual Anxiety is not a one size fits all diagnosis and can range from not being able to discuss sex and sexual topics without giggling to not being able to get it up with new girls or have sex have sober.

Since the topic of anxiety is one I could easily write a gazillion words about (and upon which a gazillion words have been written) I'm going to try to keep this as brief as I can.

What is Anxiety, exactly?

Anxiety is an adverse fear based psychological state of mind characterized by restlessness, thought loops, sweating, increased heart rate, etc... It's key here to draw a distinction between fear and anxiety as fear is a more intense emotion and state of mind. Also fear tends to happen when we are triggered by something in the real world anxiety is a more paranoid frame of mind where we worry about things that haven't happened yet.

What problems does anxiety cause for guys trying to meet women? 

 A ton.... Specifically:

1. Approach Anxiety
2. Escalation Anxiety
3. Fear of going out alone
4. Irrational fear of other guys
5. Fear of approaching girls you're really attracted to
6. Fear of rejection

and more.

What can you do to deal with your anxiety?

First you need to figure out what kind of anxiety you have, I'm not a DR but they do exist and I recommend if you live in a high state of anxiety and worry about women, sex and dating that you go to see a psychiatrist. You probably don't need anti-anxiety medication, but you might and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact I have recommended plenty of my students go to psychiatrists and several of my more successful students have been on anti anxiety meds to help them deal with physical symptoms like flop sweat, shaking etc...

Secondly you need to attack your anxiety head on with a two pronged combination of knowledge and experience.

When it comes to knowledge you need to educate yourself on where this anxiety came from. If it's sexual you want to learn as much as you can about sex. If it's around socializing you want to look back on your life and try to pinpoint when this anxiety started and if you can (no shame if you can't that's why we're not shrinks) what started it.

Next and most importantly you need to start taking small actions related to this anxiety. You want to start taking baby stpes. iterally the smallest possible step that you can take to move yourself a little more out of anxiety. It could be going to the mall by yourself and walking around, meeting a girl off the internet just for sex, or going out and doing slightly embarrasing things in public. But you want to gradually move the volume on your anxiety down. What may start out as an almost deafening scream of panic and anxiety can be muted with enough exposure and survival. But you need to know what the anxiety is before you can start to do things experientally to deal with it.

So this is in no way a full primer on anxiety and dealing with it , but it's an overview of how to deal with the sticking point of anxiety in the broadest terms when it comes to meeting women.

Next time I'll look at sticking point # 2: Getting Women's Attention And Getting Them Committed to The Conversation.

JS

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Sticking Point # 15 Getting To Average



 There were a few questions about this sticking point in the comments, so I figured I'd start by taking a look at getting to average.

 This is actually one of the first sticking points you need to deal with in order to start actually getting dates, lays etc... But I forgot it until the end of my list and was too lazy to go move it to the front.

Contrary to the opinions of extremely out of touch internet PUA fanboys, the average guy does in fact get laid. He is not an average frustrated chump, nor are you better than him because you study pick up. In fact you're probably studying pick up because you're not good enough to be average with women.

 Most (Read :all) guys who find this stuff start off well below average. I know I did in may areas: Looks, Neediness, Sexual Anxiety, etc...

So how do you get to normal?

By doing a few BASIC but often difficult, and time consuming things:

1. Start working out. If you're not in shape you have no right to complain about not getting girls. Not trying to hear it.
2. Get a makeover. Guys for whatever reason tend to keep the haircut they had in college or when they first got out into the work force. They also tend to keep their same style. This is one of the major reasons you're not getting girls. Change it. And shut up about money, you can get a good haircut for $24 at most Floyds barbershops or equivilant and you can shop discount retailers like Ross and Marshals and even thrift stores for cheap new looks.
3. Get a life. Meaning you need to start getting out of the house for interacting socially 3-4 times a week EVERY week. It doesn't have to be pick up but you need to start going out and talking to people in networking groups, volunteer work, co-ed sports teams, comedy or music classes etc... Being social is something you have to do a lot to get good at, and it's something that takes TIME. It's impossible to get good results socially whether it's networking, making friends, or getting laid without putting in a lot of time on a regular (read: weekly) basis.
4. Learn BASIC social skills. You don't need to be the most interesting guy in the world but you do need to be able to have a normal conversation without saying anything too weird, creepy, boring or self centered. If you've seen my stuff on social comfort or filling in the gaps with normal conversation you know what I'm talking about.
5. Start asking girls out. In a well publicized study in 1978 that was repeated in 1982 at Florida State University scientists Russell D Clark III and Elaine Hatfield  had an average man and an average woman approach members of the opposite sex and ask them to in order; go on a date with them,  come back to their apartment with them and to have sex with them. 50% of women agreed to go on a date with the average man. Even if you adjust for flaking with the 90% rate that most men get it still translates to 10% of girls showing up which is a similar rate to those reported by PUAs. So once you're average you need to start asking girls out and seeing what the results are then if you're still having problems we can move on to the rest of the technical and tactical sticking points that men encounter when approaching women.

Hope that helps,

JS

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Interesting TED talk about technology and human interaction



This is a great talk and is the inspiration for a blog post I have floating around inside my head about the effects of technology on dating in general since 2004 when I got involved with this whole thing.

In short, in less than 10 years the ways that people interact has changed especially with young people as people are now less comfortable having an in person conversation as the rise of social media and internet connectivity has led us to want to control and customize every interaction we have throughout our lives. Phone game changing was just the beginning as I feel (and this talk and research suggest) that we are rocketing towards a world where people rarely if ever interact in person if avoidable.

 I still need to crystalize my points and form an idea of what we can do about it moving forward so stay tuned for that stuff...

JS

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Re-Visiting Sticking Points


 Hey there,

 I'm in the middle of moving and waiting for furniture so I figured I'd write out a quick blog post.

 I feel like I've definitely written blogs while waiting for furniture before... But I move a lot so it makes sense.

Today I want to lay out what I believe are the basic sticking points that anyone looking to improve with women will go through. You may go through one of these sticking points or all of them like I did.

They are:

1. Dealing with anxiety: Approach/Social/Sexual/Going out (Possibly Alone).
2. Getting Women's Attention and Getting them committed to the conversation.
3. Running Out Of Things To Say
4. Not being able to get/recognize attraction or lack there of.
5. Not being able to isolate from a group in bars/clubs/parties
6. Escalation Problems: Going for Phone #s, kisses, dates etc...
7. Phone Flaking/Getting Led on
8. Physical Escalation Problems
9. Being a bad date
10. Keeping a girl interested once you've been on a date/are dating
11. Being bad in bed
12. Dealing with short term relationships: defining expectations, break ups
13. Developing Self Confidence
14. Getting Hotter Girls
15. Getting to Average

* Notice I didn't put dealing with long term relationships there, mainly because I don't believe that anyone knows shit about how to keep long term relationships going.
 
So that looks like a lot and it is. But it also isn't. Like I said most guys will not have to go through all of these especially if you're not interested in meeting girls in bars and clubs which I recommend.

I'm gonna spend the next few blog posts doing little write ups on each sticking point, that will help you to understand what each sp is and how to start dealing with it.

JS 

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Hey it's a new blog post!


 Hey there,

 It's been awhile.

 I wish I had a cool reason I haven't been posting. It started off when I went on vacation. Then I just kinda didn't ever get back to posting or looking at the blog until last week when I was reminded that people still come to the blog and that there were a decent amount of comments.

I deleted all the comments cause they're old and I didn't feel like sifting through the spam and penis pill links to find the quality comments made by real human beings.

Another reason I haven't been posting lately is that I now have a lot more commitments for creating content than I had when I started this blog in 2006. It's hard to sit down and write about pick up and dating after you've spent 8 hours creating videos, audios, doing interviews and coaching students all on the same subject.

Plus after having written 1100 plus blog posts I think I just kinda needed a break from having to write this blog. It's been almost 7 years after all with no real prolonged break at all.

So that's why I wasn't blogging, I haven't become bitter and disillusioned or decided to move to Ecudor I was just taking some time off.

Talk soon,

JS