Friday, January 23, 2009

The Men of Sex And The City-Part 5: Mr Big

Writing this article was kind of the whole idea behind this series. Of all the characters I've ever seen on TV, no one comes closer to a guy who actually gets girls in the real world than Mr Big. From the way he ignores tests and questions he doesn't want to answer to the quality of his answers. The writers created one of the coolest most realistic bachelor characters ever seen on TV.

Let's start at the beginning. Until the last episode of the series on HBO you never find out Big's real name. I think this is an important part of his mystique. Mr Big the character was designed to be cooler, suaver, and bigger than other guys Carrie dates, for a reason. He symbolizes what Candace Bushnell the writer of SATC the book wanted her men to be. Obviously SATC is semi-autobiographical, and I make that assumption having not researched anything the writers have said but looking at the fact that both Carrie Bradshaw and Candace Bushnell are CBs and they both wrote and lived in NY in the approximate same time frames. The reason this is important, is because it shows us that Mr Big is the epitome of what a reformed party girl expected her dream guy to be like. It's because of this that Big becomes more important than the other characters. Because much like John Galt in Atlas Shrugged, he's the writer's ideal of the perfect man.

Carrie and Big meet on a street initially, then keep running into each other randomly at events in NY's see and be seen scene. Finally they make a time and a place to run into each other on purpose. Big specifically keeps it vague here. Which leads Carrie and Co pontificate on whether it's a date or not since he called it a "drink thing." There's a good lesson there! Keep things ambiguous early on. Women are what I like to call meaning-makers. That means that they always want to try to figure out what things mean. If you say something that is easily interpreted, the discussion about you doesn't last long. If you say something vague, you become the topic of discussion for half an hour...Confusion is one of the most relevant emotions when it comes to attraction. If you can can confuse a girl ( not weird them out) they'll invest more in the interaction and the more they invest the more committed they become.

Mr Big already has a reputation,in fact Carrie first describes him like this " Mr Big, major tycoon, major dreamboat, and majorly out of my league." And this creates another piece of the puzzle when it comes to attraction. Bragging Rights. The fact that her promiscuous friend Samantha strikes out when she tries to pick him up helps. There is an overlooked reason why girls have sex with celebrities, athletes, members of entourages and well known bachelors. It's bragging rights. The same way that guys like to brag about banging a "10", girls want to brag about landing a guy who seems out of their league. Or that they beat another girl to get. Remember girls compete much more covertly than men who are allowed to compete overtly.

Last blog post, I had mentioned Toecutter's 3 Leagues theory. This is where it applies. Basically ( And again I'll apologize to TC for mangling his eloquent theory) There are three things you have to do to get a girl. The first is that you have to show her that you're out of her league. For a long time the community thought that the only way to do this was through negs. Turns out there are a lot of Natural Attraction ways to establish that you're out of a girls league. The second thing you have to do is show her that she actually is in your league. This is where qualification and seeing and appreciating the girl for who she is comes into play. And lastly you have to show her that both of you are out of everyone else's league. This relates to the idea of conspiracy one of the best ways to build a connection with a girl quickly. The three leagues theory is a great overall guideline for the process of picking up a girl. Mr Big shows up out of Carrie's league. He also socially proofs himself when he introduces Carrie to a Supermodel friend of his at a Fashion Show. He shows Carrie that she's in his league with the way he flirts with her and asks her out. He even leaves his friend at a brunch place to suggest a date with just the two of them. And finally he shows her that they're out of everyone else's league throughout the whole 6 seasons of the show as both of them value their connection even when they're "just friends."

Mr Big is a master at ignoring things that don't help him. Whether it's his reaction to Carrie blurting out "I love you.", or her prying about where the relationship is going, or why she can't keep stuff at his place. This is probably the number 1 rule of pickup and dealing with women in general. Ignore things that can't help you. If it's not useful don't react to it. If it's really important to her, she'll keep bringing it up. But if it's just some passing thought that isn't that important, but could start an argument, let it go.

The second thing Big does is he perfectly embodies the way to pass congruence tests. One of my favorites comes in Season 2 when Carrie says "You're very arrogant." and He replies "I thought that's what you liked about me." Or when she asks him what he thinks about Soulmates and he replies " I like the word soul and I like the word mate, other than that. I have no idea." Another good one that I've subsequently stolen and used on many girls happens on their first date when Carrie shows up wearing what is affectionately referred to as " The Naked Dress". Big looks her up and down confidently. Which if done right can be a huge turn on for a girl. I myself, make it a habit to get caught checking out every girl I'm out with. Big looks at the dress and goes " Interesting dress." To which Carrie replies " Meaning?" and Big responds instantly " Interesting dress." In natural attraction you rely less on scripts and more on general principles. Big always follows the correct principles. He never argues, he always agrees, or repeats himself confidently letting his subcommunications do the rest. He also exaggerates and turns things around on Carrie all the time. All these tehcniques are things I teach when I teach natural attraction.

Another thing Big does well is demonstrate he understands Carrie better than she knows herself. Showing an ability to understand women and more importantly the particular woman you're talking to is huge. In my new system of attraction I teach something called a 1 plus 1 model, which is designed to help you understand the girl in front of you by looking at her body language, fashion choices, facial expressions, actions, group of friends and more. It's super key to demonstrate this ASAP. It's different than demonstrating that you're "preselected" this is more about showing you get how girls think. The subtler you can be the better. There's a great example of this where Mr Big tells Carrie she's never been in love during their initial car ride meeting. He also uses some great examples of bait and grounding.

The last thing I want to talk about that Big does is using barriers. One of the biggest misconceptions early on in the community, was that you have to lower a woman's self esteem to get them to chase you. That's incorrect. However establishing barriers that can or would prevent you from being interested in, or getting together with the girl is hugely powerful. This is what sexual tension is made of. When there is no actual barrier, creating one adds sexual tension where otherwise there would only be release. As men we don't quite understand this. Anticipation and pursuit are an important part of sex for most women.

Big continually establishes barriers from other women, to business calls, to refusing to introduce her to his mother. There are all sorts of challenges for Carrie to overcome. Which again proves that the more a girl invests in your relationship be it physically, emotionally, sexually, financially, or other, the more interested she becomes.

A lot of guys biggest problem is that they are too easy, they're too eager to let the girl have her way. Which ultimately is not what she wants.

In a complete over-generalization I would say that women want to be challenged and pushed to a higher level by men they believe are out of their league or different in a positive way. They want to fight to win the man over. But they have to work for it because a victory over a weak opponent leaves them feeling hollow and unfulfilled. Ultimately though they want to play the role of seductress, but can only let themselves do that with a man they feel is a worthy enough prize. Basically women want to star in their own romance novels.

This back and forth "fighting" is called sexual tension. You have to master this skill of play fighting with women in order to become a prize worthy of winning. Mr Big was Carrie's big prize. That's why the show ends when he tells her she's the one. She finally won. It took her 6 years and two other major relationships but she finally got her prize.

If you look at any well written relationship driven show, be it The Office or Californication. The sexual tension comes from barriers. That's why negs work, because they create a barrier of disinterest. But it's a fake barrier. You're not really disinterested. In Natural Attraction, I teach ways to create barriers while still displaying interest in the girl. This leads to natural chemistry and compatability much faster.

That's going to wrap up the 5 part series on The Men Of Sex And The City, hopefully everyone enjoyed reading these as much as I liked writing them. My next big piece will come Monday when I'll be giving you guys a primer on my Natural Attraction system. You won't want to miss that!


P.S If you like my blog and wanna help out please bookmark me anywhere you can! Thanks.


  1. BlackSabbath12:11 PM

    Hi Sinn !

    First, I have to say that I like very much your blog, and your e-book Game Attraction, with a lot of so relevant thoughts and stuff.

    I have a quick question for you about it. You are talking about Mastery from George Leonard somewhere, and you have said you have written yet something about how to learn pickup properly. Have you been talking about your book Lay Reports, or something else ?

    Thanks in advance !

  2. Anonymous2:44 PM

    Sinn - can you do a part 6 - Harry Goldblatt - this I think was the most intriguing of all the relationships. It was two people from two different worlds and how Harry's "game" was able to win over Charlotte...Harry a physically unattractive decent guy and Charlotte a classic beauty who had difficulty finding a good man...this "beauty and beast" dynamic was a story line I have seen from time to time....your thoughts??? - thanks a devoted blog fan

  3. Anonymous2:55 PM

    Sinn, I'm the anonymous guy who was posting in support or your arguments in the MJ/Kobe fiasco. Have no idea how to post under a non-anonymous tag. However. let me just say that this 5 pt Sex and the City Breakdown you just did is the stuff of legend. It's a hell of a great paradigm to help guys to memorize or at least remember key principles that are required to succeed with women. Thanks man!

  4. Sweet! I was waiting for this one. I'm not really that into SATC but I've seen a 3-4 episodes featuring Mr.Big and he's a real cool cat.

  5. Anonymous4:04 PM

    I liked this a lot. Lots of value here!

  6. Anonymous4:31 PM

    I love the psychology behind this series of posts. You're upping your game Sinn. I've watched the show a bit, and I didn't fully understand the hoopla behind Big, now I do. Thanks!

  7. I have actually taken notes from this, because a lot of the ideas you share here really reflect my own experience.

    It's cool that you are going to give some info about your new attraction system soon, it sounds awesome!

  8. Anonymous7:02 PM

    Hey, yes I'm a girl and I've seen tons of SATC so my opinions may be colored, but I've found Sinn's analysis of the guys really interesting and for the most part dead on - I think it's a good tool to analyze typical male-female interation patterns. Side note - I agree with "Anonymous" that Harry Goldenblatt should really be analyzed, I think that's one of the most interesting and healthy (meaning egalitarian) relationships the show had. I did want to disagree slightly with Sinn's analysis of Big. While the dude was a "cool cat" and he did have Carrie tied in knots for the entire series, their relationship was also one of the most unhealthy the show had. My interest in community material is strongly based on the idea that emotional pain should not be part of what a guy inflicts on a girl (or vice versa). I think that aside from his great game, Big really represents that *you should know what you want* out of girl and your relationship with her. No one wins if people are just getting jerked around emotionally. Not that it was one of the more realistic aspects of the show, but Big and Carrie finally getting together was seriously hindered by his confusion and not knowing what he wanted for 6 years.

  9. Degustation7:31 PM

    I had no idea at the beginning of this series that I would take away so much from an article about SATC. Really loved this one. Thanks!

  10. Anonymous4:48 AM

    Hey Sinn, would you reccomend a guy actually going out and getting the DVD's to watch through and understand these interactions?

  11. The "leagues" model makes a lot of sense:

    1.Her feeling you are a bit out of her league.

    -> Being an ultra cool guy, having an abundance mentality, reacting less to her than she is reacting to you

    2.Showing her that she actually is in your league.

    -> Qualifying and appreciating her, escalating etc

    3.Show her that both of you are out of everyone else's league.

    ->Shared frame, conspiracy, connection

  12. I have found the "creating barriers while still showing interest" to be super effective as well.

    The thing is, if you use too much disinterest to create barriers, she will:

    - Backwards rationalize that you are not attractive via cognitive dissonance

    - Stop liking you completely because we generally like the people who like us. Emotions are contagious

    Creating barriers while showing interest actually will result in more attraction, faster connection and quicker lays.

  13. Anonymous6:52 AM

    What is so cool about a person who strings someone along for years, then breaks up and marries someone else, and then cheats on his wife with the first girlfriend(Carrie)? And even though Carrie was complicit, Big tools both Carrie and his wife. That makes him no different from the other guy,Richard.

  14. Ocean8:41 AM

    BlackSabbath, the book on learning game is probably Sinn's "Game Acceleration Doctrine". I'm in his 12M2M program and it was a great start to getting you in the right mindset to learn this stuff. It used to be available on his website but I just took a look and the seem to be in a bit of a website transition right now.

  15. Mr Big is one of my favorite characters of all time. He's probably a great ideal, and I wonder how many men are really like him.

  16. Anonymous4:22 PM

    Seriously, you need to write a book on all this stuff.. awesome stuff as usual.

    I noticed that some Pua's are not good at conveying what they intended, you do a good job of writing & keep it interesting. Its all the more reason to have a book out there.. since more people can use the knowledge.
    I mean, how difficult would it be for you to seduce someone in the publishing industry and get your book published :)

  17. Anonymous6:45 PM

    fantastic write up on the psychology of the show. really enjoyed reading that stuff. you definitely grew some writing skills. i would have read this stuff in gq, too. and would have liked it too. tell this your manager ;-)

  18. fader7:44 PM

    I remember us breaking down how gangsta big was at dealing with tests when you were at my house.

    Great writing as always bro

  19. Anonymous12:06 PM

    one word: awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. BlackSabbath2:53 AM

    Thanks Ocean.

    In fact, I'm talking about the page 51 of Game Acceleration, about the 2 most important factors for learning. Sinn has written something about Mastery from George Leonard, and said :

    "I’ve actually written a step-by-step guide to learning pick-up that goes into great detail about both of these. Be on the look out for that in the next couple of weeks. For now, it’s important to understand that these two factors have a HUGE impact on your long term success with game."

    Someone knows something about this stuff ? There is nothing else about it in Game Acceleration...

  21. Anonymous4:14 AM

    Holy shit, u r amazing!

  22. This was the best one of the bunch! Mr. Big had pretty much everything going for him and basically showed Carrie that he didn't have any scarcity issues at all. Like you said, he had her chasing him and knew exactly when the right time for him to pursue her just to keep things going.


  23. Call me a seduction nerd, but I can't get the Three Leagues theory out of my head, so I end up commenting on a post from a month ago!

    Part of my discomfort is I'm worried it's too "gamey." I find it harder to connect with guys and harder to enjoy the pure natural attraction between us when they are trying to be "higher value" than me or doing any other kind of weird aloofness stuff. I see everyone as equal, so if a guy thinks he's better than others, it turns me off and makes me sad.

    As for the second part, I see qualification more as deep connection, appreciating what you like about someone at a level that feels sincere to them.

    And as for the third part, I agree it's important to create some shared sense of reality, especially if you want to take the relationship anywhere past a night or two. I just prefer to see it framed affirmatively as "what can we together do for the world?" (shared purpose) rather than "us against the world."

    You see, this is what happens when I'm left to my own devices and start writing an e-book. I don't know why I am so obsessed with seduction and understanding how it works, but alas ... I am.

    Anyway, I liked the SATC blogs you wrote. And you are right that Big is very sexy.

  24. Wow! I just got around to reading this and I've got to say nice piece of writing man.

  25. Anonymous1:47 PM

    "I see everyone as equal, so if a guy thinks he's better than others, it turns me off and makes me sad. "

    women want a guy equal or better...women compare men ALL THE TIME.

    their ideal man is a man who indeed is socioeconomically better and highly desirable but who is humble about it at the same time.

    it's no mistake that women are a lot pickier and more fussy than men...most men give their commitment too easily.