Friday, January 16, 2009

The Men of Sex And The City-Part 1: Steve Brady

Hey guys,

As many people know I watch a lot of Sex and The City.I also consider my blog here sort of a male Sex And The City type column but that's a whole nother issue. I think it's a great look into female psychology (Especially the season Carrie cheats on Aidan with Mr Big) as well as one of the better written shows in recent memory. Another thing it does is present a bunch of different archetypes of men that are successful with women.

Ultimately the show captures attraction and relationships in a way very few TV shows or movies ever have. There's some element of romantic comedy bullshit in there, but the flirting scenes are right on.

So how does this help you get laid?

Well I'll be taking each of the main male characters off SATC and breaking down what they did right and wrong through their relationships.

We're going to work our way backwards from the guy who would be least successful in real life to the guy who would be most successful. So much like how Bill Simmons calculated Jimmy Chitwood's real life stats in Hoosiers, I'll be breaking why each male lead from the show would be good with girls based on evidence contained throughout the seasons. We're not counting the movie, cause I'm not sure I like it yet...

We kick today off with Miranda Hobbs' Baby daddy and ultimately husband: Steve Brady.

Steve Brady works in a bar. This is his first major plus. As a whole the more social of a job you work, the more you get laid. We even see this later on when Miranda and Steve are discussing their "number." His is actually higher than hers (Which was like 70 something,not unusual for a 35 year old who goes out a lot) and he said " I'm a bartender and I'm cute." I always recommend younger guys getting into the scene; get a job as a waiter or bartender. You'll learn social skills and get laid very easily.

When Steve meets Miranda she repeatedly blows him off. He even comps her wine to get her to stay. Eventually he jokes his way past her defenses and she stays the whole night at the bar. They go home, have sex and in the morning Miranda kicks him out assuming it was a one night stand. She does make plans with him again but gives him the wrong time she and the girls are meeting. He realizes it's a fake time and gets the real time. Steve does a great job of what's called plowing in the scene. Plowing is not always the right idea, but oftentimes you will get a neutral or negative reaction to your approach. The skill to turn that around is called game. It always perplexes me when students shut up in sets that are going really badly. The worse it's going the more you need to plow to try to turn it around. There is no way to get better at cold approach without talking to a lot of people who are either disinterested or only mildly interested in what you have to say for the first 3-5 minutes. Persistence will get you a long way with women. He does however fail to qualify her for anything unique about herself that would make her want to see him again. HE runs too much attraction material in nerd speak.

After Steve and Miranda start dating they realize there's a problem in their mismatched schedules. Steve works until 4 AM at the bar and Miranda has to be up early to be a lawyer. Here Steve made a mistake in his screening phase. When you are looking for a long term relationship it's very important that the two of you have similar schedules. If you're going to bed at 10PM every night and you're girlfriend is a stripper, there will be problems. Steve showed a lack of foresight here when he became interested in Miranda. It's important that YOU know what types of schedules will fit your life. Only you know when you have to be in bed, and what type of life you want to live. When you get into a longer term relationship, look for someone with a similar lifestyle. This was done on the show to prove the old adage "opposites attract" unfortunately in real life they may attract, but they don't stay attracted unless there's some commonalities somewhere else.

Steve eventually pushes Miranda to let move in to her place. This is a bad idea. First of all if you are going to live with a girl it should probably be your place. Secondly it's always a bad idea to be the person pushing the relationship forward. As Men we are expected to keep relationships as casual as possible as long as possible. It's much less attractive to women when men become needy. When you are in a long term relationship, even if it's great, take your time. You don't want to be the one suggesting things like exclusivity, vacations together, or moving in together, too soon. All of those things can happen in time, but you want the girl to bring the ideas up first. Let your girlfriend wonder these kinds of things, not you.

Miranda dumps Steve after this and he mopes around trying to get back together with her and telling her he's in love with her for awhile. The lesson here is after a breakup move on. Even if you think she's the one, even if you're dying inside, move on. Don't call, dont text, don't email, don't poke them on facebook. For a little while, directly after the breakup, you need time away from that person. Especially if you did the breaking up. Our brains are funny in that we will only remember the good parts of a relationship immediately after it. And all of those feelings, and emotions, and memories and nostalgia can convince you that something was right when it wasn't. Right after a break up you always want to put some distance between you and the ex. It's also NEVER attractive to tell a girl whose broken up with you how much you mean to her. That's the emotional equivalent of begging.

Eventually though Steve moves on and gets a new Girlfriend and Miranda realizes she is really in love with him and they get married with their born out of wedlock child. This part is pure Hollywood. In real life this relationship dies the day he moves out. Sorry Steve, you were just a little too needy and boring. You felt like because Miranda had higher social status and made more money there was a value differential. Then you tried too hard to make a relationship work with an emotionally unavailable women. Then you pushed for a move in hoping that it would save the relationship, and ultimately you got ball cancer and knocked this girl up. Then she came around and you lived happily ever after... Only on TV :)

Next time I'll be talking about Carrie Bradshaw's ex Fiancee Aidan Shaw.



  1. "Our brains are funny in that we will only remember the good parts of a relationship immediately after it. And all of those feelings, and emotions, and memories and nostalgia can convince you that something was right when it wasn't. Right after a break up you always want to put some distance between you and the ex."

    Wow, this is so true. If you keep talking after a breakup, you're being needy.

  2. This is cool !!

    Steve was a needy mess I thought. Big is my role model in my little pick up adventure!!

  3. Anonymous1:35 PM

    This is an awesome idea. I can also see that discussing the scenes from this show will work to debunk myths about relationships from other media sources (tv, movies, magazines, etc.)

  4. Anonymous2:15 PM

    Brilliant post. As a guy who always watched SITC in a "closet" fashion and lived in NYC during that same late 90's - early 2000's period, I thought alot of the show was right on the money.

    The boyfriend/husband I was most intrigued with was the lawyer that married Charlotte. I have seen this "beauty and the beast thing" happen before with women in their mid to late 30's and they then to be relationships that really tended to last...

  5. Cool idea for a blog post. Your writing has really gotten good over the span of time you've been writing on this blog and it was already pretty good when I started reading it.

    You realize that you pretty much just became the real-life male version of Carrie Bradshaw when you wrote that first paragraph right?

  6. Anonymous6:11 PM

    This is great. With this new girl I met I am actually thinking of a relationship. I never thought I would say that again. Pray for me.


  7. This post was golden. Broke up with my g/f about 3 months ago and it's been quite a painful experience. However, everything you state about breaking up and how to act towards it is right on.

  8. Anonymous8:47 AM

    Best Blog on the net right now! Dude your posts are incredible and full of constant Value. Keep it up. Can't wait for the next one!

  9. Anonymous8:47 AM

    Best Blog on the net right now! Dude your posts are incredible and full of constant Value. Keep it up. Can't wait for the next one!

  10. Great idea for a post series.

    I've noticed recently that "The Hills" and it's recent spin off, "The City", both have good male role models to be successful with women.

  11. Anonymous12:55 PM

    Bring on the next one, Sinn. This is a clever idea. There were a lot of cool personality types to dissect on that show.

  12. Sinn, this is a good series you are starting here. I never got into remembering the people in the show but I will say that I am a huge fan of the series. I remember shunning it for years and then one of my best friends get me on to it and we watched the entire series in a little over the week. It taught me many things.

    But in any event. Steve just promoted "out of her league" vibes. Like you said, he was constantly try-hard and pushed the relationship to levels too far too soon. The lifestyles didn't match either and that's a conflict that will never disappear. Like you said, strong commonalities can prevail but it's tough with such opposite ways of living.

    This is going to be fun and I look forward to it. The Aiden one should be good.

  13. Anonymous8:03 AM

    Love it! I really like the comments about what to do and not to do in relationships. I feel like the community rarely talks about what to do to set up and maintain a traditional LTR. I think it would be great to see a post on that...just a thought ;-)

  14. Not sure that I'd agree with the breakdown of Steve.

    What made Steve so successful was his ability to deliver to Miranda what she REALLY wanted, but didn't realise yet.

    What he didn't do well was convey that message to her.

    In the end Steve ended up getting Miranda to completely remake her life to be with him. Which goes deeper than just pulling a chick at a bar.

  15. Deft99:12 PM

    This is a great post Sinn. I've also watched Sex and the City for years finding it both funny and an insightful look at female psychology.