Sunday, December 24, 2006

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.


Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

7 comments:

  1. MikeNYC11:58 PM

    I once heard Chuck Norris sing the United States national anthem. it was like the bellow of a thousand Eagles most Bald.

    ReplyDelete
  2. mike again12:12 AM

    The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

    Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

    It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

    Not only does Chuck Norris have a beard, but his penis has a beard and his beard has a penis.

    ReplyDelete
  3. mike again12:17 AM

    http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck

    these are all hilarious things you can tell girls just replace chuck norris with me or i. just don't tell chuck norris.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Chuck Norris does not go hunting as that infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he doesn't go up; the world goes down.

    ReplyDelete
  6. wow, when can i catch your standup act?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous11:21 PM

    Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, water gets Chuck Norrised.

    ReplyDelete