What’s up guys,
This is a post that probably most of you will be able to relate to.
I’m sure other people have talked about this before or it’s been posted about, but I feel like power and sex are two of the major issues in most male-female relationships.
When it comes to dating, the general power dynamic between men and women, looks something like this:
The girl generally has more power before sex, and the guy generally has more power after sex.
This is one of the reasons that girls will sometimes try to make you wait for sex or give last minute resistance. This is also one of the reasons why qualification, and demonstrating small amounts of investment in her work so well.
Guys will generally work and invest more in the girl in the courtship period before sex has happened. Many of you guys reading this ( myself included) are guilty of this. That’s one of the big reasons that girls have trust issues with guys.
We should all know by now that it’s unattractive to give all your power away for the chance of hooking up. But how do we deal with the fact that you will have less power in any interaction with a woman until you’ve had sex with her?
The first step to evening the power differential, is having personal boundaries and standards, and not compromising them for booty. This makes a much bigger difference with women than you can imagine. Boundaries and standards tell people a great deal about how you expect to be treated by women, and give a glimpse as to your level of success with them.
Next you need to consciously get the girl to invest in the interaction. Contrary to popular belief, a girl can be WAY more invested in a relationship than you are but she still holds the power edge until you have sex. Because she controls where the relationship ultimately goes. It is impossible to have a long term relationship without ever having sex. Imagine being married to a woman who will never have sex with you… Doesn’t sound like a great time, though it does sound like most people’s marriages ☺ So you get girls to invest by qualifying, and gradually increasing her compliance. It may seem simple, but asking her to bring something to a date or hold your drink for a second goes a long way.
Retain your power through decisiveness. Make sure that you are the one to plan dates, you’re the first one to get off the phone, and that you always take a little bit longer to return her calls and texts than she does. These things seem small but by being decisive and busy you retain power before and after sex.
All right that wraps up the first question on sex and power.
Sometime soon I’ll write about the second question.
How do you maintain a healthy balanced power ratio after sex?
Next time,
S
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
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i completely agree that decisiveness with many women is the key. too many guys are afraid to chase the girl off, but by complying, they get a girl with whom they are perpetually disadvantaged. be decisive, it's the male shit test. a girl who flakes as a result wasn't worth having in your stable anyway.
ReplyDeletegood stuff! enjoyed it!
ReplyDeletecould you write some more about the sexual power dynamic DURING sex? i found it to be a huge turn on for most girls to get dominated or push them into submissive roles.......
peace,
joker
I hooked up with this girl about a week ago, we had sex for all of 10 seconds before she asked me to stop, but we did everything else. We've seen eachother a couple times since, but only for short periods. She keeps doing this thing where she will say something like "my plans fell through, text me when you get home if you'd like some company" then I'll text her a couple hours later, and she changes her mind and says she doesnt want to. Then just an hour ago, she asked if she could come over, I said come over, she said she forgot how to get here so could i come get her, i said sure as soon as i finish what i'm doing. she said ok. Then 10 minutes later she texted to say something had come up and she wasnt coming over! WTF!
ReplyDeleteHow do you respond to something like that? I said "You crack me up :) thanks for letting me know" and i feel like calling her out would only make her not want to see me.
Cool stuff. Never thought about it this way.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for part 2
I think this resonates a lot. Great post. I remember seeing in one of your articles where you posted bits of the fountainhead on. There was this part where he said "of course you own me, but only the parts that can be owned". I think thats a masculine trait, having that core, of standards and values which is inviolate, which cant be touched.
ReplyDeleteTheres an article on ciarans old blog which you mite like
http://zentransformation.blogspot.com/2008/05/howling.html
it goes into personal boundaries.
Dasani,
ReplyDeleteI feel you man. It doesn't to me much anymore, but I can tell reading your post, there are a few points where I would have acted a little differently.
Instead of actually doing what she says, set up a meet near your apartment, coffee/whatever, and escalate after 15-30mins of cool/fun conversation.
I know you're already banged this girl. But no girls want to be a booty call IF SHE THINKS THATS A NEGATIVE. While there are some negative associations with booty calls (ho, easy, trash, etc) there are some really great positive associations you want to emphasize (excitement, sexy, fun, impulsive, animal instincts, fantasies).
As for communicating with women in General, set up the game so you can never lose. Just text her telling her what you want to do, and she should come at such and such time etc.
If she says no, which she might, she's saying no to a man, not a boy. It's counterintuitive (of course) but the more direct you are, the more likely she is to come. And if she says no, its ok, because you have been talking to 5-10 women that same day, and if she's not up for it, there are more fun girls that will. ;)
In fact, the only think you SHOULDNT do, especially this early in the relationship, is verbalize you plans to fuck her. Less talking, more action. I can't tell you the sheer number of women I've moved into my apartment, after coffee or a dinner, and my talking/telling stories, didn't give her enough time to ask me about 'what are we gonna do at your apartment, etc'..
enjoy urself man.
"The girl generally has more power before sex, and the guy generally has more power after sex."
ReplyDeleteI dont generally agree with that statement. I live in quebec where women here are very liberal in a similar way to New zealand and/or finland.
there is no stigma attached to a women sleeping with a man and most women expect to sleep with a man on the 2nd or 3rd date...many times, she only wants a booty call...
the idea that men want sex and women want relationships might still go in the states but not in quebec, new zealand, scandinavia/finland.
so my point is do not think that because you slept with her now you have "control" over her or "all the power"...i know many women who even, listen to this, DO NOT want to get married while their bfs wants to.
best
btw If I were to add to my previous comment...the best way to have power is to give her a great experience the first night with lots of foreplay and attention in the bedroom.
ReplyDeletethis is what works for me....get em addicted to it like a drug!
It is sad that you dont understand what sex or power actually are. Your manipulations and power games are empty of both. You must find sex an unfulfilling and lonely activity, just a passing physical sensation. I hope one day you all experience love and get to understand both.
ReplyDeleteYou've totally missed out why suddenly men have the power after sex....it's just shoved in there as an obvious fact, but I don't really understand why is it. Is it based on an assumption that women are more likely to want to pursue a relationship after sex whereas men aren't and so the man's desires have been met, but the woman's haven't?
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to here what idea that came from...
For all this talk of tactics and game-playing, there is a more obvious, respectful and rewarding way of getting sex. Contrary to what people have said here, I definitely don;t think you should avoid saying you want to have sex at all costs. Show the woman some bloody respect and just be honest. Be tactful with it obviously, but the best way to a result you want with a woman is just saying that you're interested in having fun with her, but aren;t really after anything serious. In my experience the best way to initiate something with someone is to be upfront and treat them like a human being which means not using manipulation or deception to get into their pants and to consider that they are capable of making decisions about sex that don't revolve around this mythical 'need' to get into a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI'm also quite confused as to why its assumed that men hold the power after sex?? Where did that come from?
You've totally missed out why suddenly men have the power after sex....it's just shoved in there as an obvious fact, but I don't really understand why is it. Is it based on an assumption that women are more likely to want to pursue a relationship after sex whereas men aren't and so the man's desires have been met, but the woman's haven't?
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to here what idea that came from...