Friday, April 24, 2009

How To Retain F**k Buddies Part 3- The Conversation

I am sooo happy this week is almost over... It's been intense.

My car got impounded the other day, I cracked my Iphone screen and more. At least it's now Friday and after I finish this post I get to go shopping, and do some day game...

But before I get to go have fun I need to wrap this series up.

We already talked the last two days about scheduling, honesty and expectations.

We're going to conclude today with handling the DTR (Define the Relationship) conversation.

IME the DTR conversation will come up a couple of times. It first comes up around the 3 month mark, resurfaces at around a year and then becomes extremely serious at the 18 month mark. Your patterns may vary but for me the above is like the rising of the sun, death and taxes...

So being that this blog is about my experiences I'm going to give you the three types of DTR convos and what to do with each of them.

The first one is generally the least serious. Guys who are seeing 7 girls have not been seeing all 7 of them for more than 3 months...

This one will start innocuously with the girl making a joke and then asking " What are we?", or " Are you sleeping with other girls?"

Avoiding this first conversation is a good bet. I'll often purposely misinterrpret the question and try to side step it. By saying something like:

"we're humans..."

or " No I usually kick then out after. You're the only one who gets to stay over (smile)"

This will work about half the time. But it's really only a stall.

If she wants to seriously discuss the topic I will always say something like this

" We've only known each other X amount of months. And I really, really like you as a person. I'm super happy we hang out and I love talking to you. But I'm not really in a place where I can date anyone exclusively right now. So if that's something you're uncomfortable with,I totally understand that, and I really hope we can stay friends."

If a girl really likes you and is comfortable with that arrangement she'll stay. If not she won't.

Now the next one at around the year mark is a little more intense. Now it's been awhile and the girl might be questioning whether she's wasting her time with you.

IME this is the talk where you really have to be honest and let her know what's going on.

Be honest but not angry.

You don't want to give her ultimatiums, or make her feel like you don't care if she's in your life or not.

Instead you want to make sure that you don't lead her on with the fantasy of a relationship (Because let's be honest if it was going to happen, it would have within a year) but frame what you have as fun and non commital, until someone comes along that's better for her. Also emphasize ( If it's true) that you want her in your life in some capacity, but you want her to be comfortable with it.

Last one, the 18 month mark... This one is basically commit or lose the girl. IME girls are not going to hang around for two years with NO commitment from you. At this point you have to make a decision about whether or not you actually see yourself in a committed relationship with her. If you do, then tell her you want to be exclusive. If you don't tell her you just want to be friends.

You can stall the 18 month convo but it's only going to get worse for both of you.

That wraps up F**k buddies, have a great weekend.



  1. Anonymous9:02 AM

    Thanks for the last part of the post... not many people mention the part where at some point way down the road you actually will need to commit or let go. I think that is helpful to understand, so as not to get stuck in something one of you is not happy with.

  2. Sadly, there are way too many girls who will hang around for a year, 18 months, two years, five years ... and then you'll see their unhappiness become HUGE. A girl who knows what she's doing will bail as soon as she feels annoyed. Then it never actually reaches the level of true unhappiness, and she can move on with her life with dignity.

    I like your honesty, Sinn, but I'd like it even more if instead of avoiding the conversation, etc., you said flat out, this is NEVER going to be a long-term committed relationship and you (girl) need to know that.

  3. Anonymous2:35 PM

    erika stfu

  4. Anonymous7:06 PM

    What erika doesn't get is that we want to continue to have sex with these girls. By telling them up
    Front it'll never work would not make that possible.

    But who knows? You can always chane your mind...

  5. Anonymous7:37 PM

    no erika, we read this blog because sinn tells us what works, if you dont' like it leave, dont try to change it

  6. interesting Sinn...

  7. Gaelic1:36 AM

    Well, what Erika say is actually interesting.

    Why are you so closed, men ? Open your mind.

  8. hi sinn.

    I usually read Cap Jack's blog and I love it. He says loads of you but... I cannot comment your blog for one simple reason. It's unreadable!

    I'd suggest to you to change the letters' colour to black and the webpage to white. Really.... It's this theme you're using is a eye fukker.


  9. Anonymous11:30 AM

    FB' - you have to be kidding me....I have been studying this stuff for years, do 20 approaches a week at at a minimum and I cant even get a wrong phone number...

  10. Erika,

    Why does a girl stay around so long? Its called penis power. A man uses his penis to enslave the woman... to fuck her into submission!

  11. "What erika doesn't get is that we want to continue to have sex with these girls. By telling them up
    Front it'll never work would not make that possible."

    I actually disagree with this very much. There are many girls who will view you as even more of a challenge and continue to sleep with you.

    All it takes for me not to sleep with a guy is one disclaimer. But for many women a disclaimer or two actually makes them *more* attracted.

    Sinn knows this, too, because he has talked about it before.