Sunday, November 30, 2008

Basic Social Skills

Hey guys,

Since starting 12 Months to Mastery I've now gotten feedback to prove something that I already really believed. Game is useless without BASIC social skills.

BradP already hinted at this when he talked about how you can't use negs or boyfriend destroyers if you have social anxiety because even though the words are right the delivery is wrong and you look terrified. I actually now have evidence it goes one step beyond that. In 12 Months to Mastery the first thing I have done is strip everyone back down to zero. My thinking went something like this " If you can't open a group of guys and girls by saying hi and then relating to them without routines, techniques or tactics, you are going to have problems." Why? Because you won't always have routines, you can't always be non reactive, or dominant or anything. The first step to socializing is making people socially comfortable while talking to you. Comfort actually comes before attraction(credit AFC Adam) but it's not the type of rapport based comfort most people in the community assume. Instead it's socail comfort, I.E the idea that this person will not creep you out, bore you or insult you.

So how do you learn to make people socially comfortable? Basic conversational skills. The very things that certain schools mock as "AFC" are the building blocks to ultimately having great game. Back in the old school ASF days this skill was referred to as "fluff talk". Ultimatley it comes down to a few basic points:

1. Relate to the other people in the conversation. Show how your experiences intertwine with theirs or vice versa. This can be done by asking questions or making statements.

2. Keep the conversation going, by changing conversational subjects. There's a lot of material out there on this.

3. Demonstrate genuine interest in getting to know them. Not interest in fucking them.

4. Talk about yourself. Don't be afraid to relate things about yourself and how you came to be who you are.

5. Asking questions that set up information about you. Instead of using questions to find out about them, use your questions to set up information about you. For example:

Sinn: " Are you guys locals?"
Girls: " Yeah we're from Mesquite.
Sinn: " Yeah? I'm from LA, which is funny cause iw as the least pretentious person there, and now I'm the most pretentious person in Texas. :)

I'll have some more articles on this stuff up later this month, but for npow start looking at basic social skills as the glue that holds routines and all the tactics together.

S

25 comments:

  1. Good post,

    But what if in all conversation, even with friends and family, you (me) are completely unable to think of anything to say, your mind is blank? How do you train your mind to always have things to talk about with strangers. I never have anything to say after "Hi." And this has been going on for two years with almost no successful conversations with strangers, after practicing endlessly. How'd you learn to do it, simply walking up and saying "hi" doesn't seem to work. This is one of those things that is never explained in the community (like juggler). It's one thing to tell us what we should be doing, but its something else to explain how it is we can learn to do it.

    Best.

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  2. Tyler Blue Printed10:07 PM

    Sinn,

    you are , well, your cool,
    I mean your not a total chode.

    but can you think how totally
    cool it would be to be ME,
    Tyler?

    I mean in my reality its 30 second
    makeouts.

    fluff talk is so chode!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous10:55 PM

    Sin,

    No one could have said it better. You are going back to the roots with the right frame of mind. most PuA are creepy, boring, non hygenic,and worse of all, virgins thus lacking social and sexual confidence. Keep those posts coming. No one preaches better than you or CJ.

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  4. #2 is a big deal for me. When I realized that simply changing the subject can keep momentum going, I suddenly became much more engaging to talk to. People responded to me better! Now I like to have 2 subjects going at once and then throw a new one in every once in a while just for fun.

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  5. Anonymous1:28 AM

    Sinn, i know you don't usually answer comments on your blog, but could you mention this in one of your next posts:

    what's the best way to get in touch with you if i'm interested in taking a 1on1 with you?

    unfortunately your emails seem to be dead.

    thanks a lot,
    carson, CA, USA

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous1:38 AM

    So true...I have met a lot of community guys who knew all the "theory" and go out a lot but they never improve. Why? Because they never had basic social skills down in the first place. They assume they have them down, but they don't becuase they don't come off normal to me nor to the girls they talk to.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great Post!

    I did however want to highlight to everyone out there that this post applies to both GUYS and girls!

    I wasn't even aware that I just naturally befriend any guy in the bar until Topo pointed it out to me one night. Since then I have been trying to catalog all the things I do naturally to achieve such a consistent result.

    I'll whip out my iPhone and make note of something here or there... But I've never been able to articulate it in such a teachable, reproducible, step by step manner to students.

    FOR ALL OF YOU MEN OUT THERE WHO ARE COMPLETELY BAFFLED OR INTIMIDATED WHEN IT COMES TO BEFRIENDING OTHER GUYS IN A SOCIAL SETTING... THIS POST IS EXACTLY HOW YOU DO IT!!!

    Does it go deeper than those five points? Sure. It always does. But this post definitely encapsulates the basics of it. And all Game is simply correct application of the basic fundamentals.

    You master those five steps... the rest of this shit is easy!

    I think this post only adds to Sinn's resume as one of best TEACHERS a guy can learn from.

    Again, Gangster post brother! Stay sharp!



    -Priest-

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  8. Anonymous3:48 PM

    Good way for guys to master approach anxiety...keep the "F*****g" out of the frame!!

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  9. Great stuff Sinn. These basic skills are essential to getting better. I can't wait to read some more about them, as you outline them very well.

    Speaking of which I'm looking forward to your review of the final Vh1 show.

    Peace

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  10. Anonymous8:09 PM

    My "natural" friends have no problem talking to a mixed set about anything and I see them share a lot about themselves. They just have fun, keep it light and interesting and when they are done they just cut off the conversation and move on.
    Why this is so tough for a lot of the guys in PU to accomplish who the hell knows, I think most of us are pretty smart and think there has to be more to talking to a group of people than that. K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous8:39 PM

    Good stuff. Sinn, are you stilling going to be doing your one-city-per-month travels?

    Would love to hear more about this, how you are preparing, etc.

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  12. Anonymous10:53 PM

    yeah sinn teach us more about this!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. where in dallas do u reside?
    im up north near the North Dallas area.

    ReplyDelete
  14. JerkLAIX Needs a favor12:50 PM

    Yo,

    dude I think I drank 300 sixpacks!

    but itssssss cooool.

    I can still walk. and I have 100
    gf's I have to ball tonight.

    of course 99 are WARPIGS.....

    and the others a street whore......

    ha, ha, ha , ha , ha , ha , ha

    dude- Can U spare a barfbag?

    ReplyDelete
  15. No review of the finale? :-(

    ReplyDelete
  16. Welsh_Dragon8:23 PM

    Sinn,

    I actually agree with most of what you wrote here. The real question is why doesn't most of the community get it?

    Without social abilities such as you describe "you got nothing". To coin a phrase from your country.

    ReplyDelete
  17. sangos8:20 AM

    Appreciate ur speak….
    To add to which, am putting my thoughts – they are more of sticking points rather than something profound. Feel free to point me in the right direction.

    Before even social comfort it is important to decide whether one is dealing with the right social frame. And that brings us to Self comfort.

    Self comfort – is in ascertaining whether ones actions is congruent with ones sense of self. This is a very dynamic denominator as it absolutely depends on perception of oneself, which might be very fluid. The ideal is when perception is synched with the inner truth of oneself. This in itself is a huge process and no easy task. Sometimes the effort of the process of discovery can last a lifetime. What is important is not getting somewhere but rather the journey towards getting to know one’s core.

    In the specifics of pick-up, self comfort is very much dependent of whether the PUA is dealing with the right social frame. To illustrate this, lets take my personal situation, I am stuck in a job situation which I completely dislike: am overworked, underpaid, have a nasty boss and definitely capable of a much larger and responsible profile (hopefully am on the verge of a change). So while my workplace is chock full of HBs, picking them up feels sick because of negative self comfort. Why – because they are in the wrong social frame of my workplace. The same HBs in a different social frame say in a club (and I don’t work where I am) would have been delicious targets!

    Again there is the concept of pushing the borders of one’s comfort zone once it is on firm ground, which would basically lead to my picking up HBs even at my hated workplace. But that would be operating at the next level. Kind of James Bond like: picking up Dominic Greene’s girl right out from his den.

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  18. Guys, you cannot complain that he's bringing a problem but doesn't provide a solution... because he did... and it's not even a long time ago.

    Listen to sinn's audio "how to never run out of things to say".

    ReplyDelete
  19. sangos7:09 AM

    • Well if negative self comfort problem is real then I might have zeroed in on a very core profound issue. Would not be out of place to state that all my failings in life can be sourced to this one thing….Guess self comfort is what everybody’s trying so hard to build. And this sticking point becomes sore and painful when failing to PU and then learning it….Is there some more direct way to deal with it or is PU the best way?

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  20. Sinn, Any update on "the pickup artist" finale? Your reviews were great and very helpful. What do you think of Mike Long (Area 51). His review(s) of the show were the opposite of yours...
    Thanks.
    Best regards,
    David

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  21. Anonymous7:55 PM

    Hi Sinn,

    I was wondering what your definition of rapport is? TMM people seem to use it to describe sucking up and buying drinks to strangers to win their friendship. How are you using it? I think it would be beneficial for everyone if you expanded on that.

    Thanks

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  22. Anonymous5:13 PM

    Kick a$$ post. Finally, someone who "Get's It". You are wise beyond your years fella. Wise beyond your years.

    ReplyDelete