The Pick Up Artist Ep # 5 How girls thinking you're gay and wanting to get their nails done with you saves you from elimination!

We start off with Greg coming through the door and the guys talk about how you can’t play it safe. Simion says this and I fear for the safety of women in Scottsdale. If he's playing safe, what's next razor blades under his tongue?

Simion is mimicking Mystery with a straw hat and glasses. He looks like a hick who’s trying to be Mick Jagger. Mystery also shows up in the straw hat, coincidence? Or an insidious clue towards the future...

It’s story telling time, as the guys get to be auctioned off in order to get Tara as a wing girl. Mystery's version of story telling goes something like this. Have lame guys who obviously aren;t cool talk about their stripper ex girlfriends, how they're willing to fight to save their stripper ex gfs, how their friends will help them fight to save their stripper exs, and how they're kinda a big deal. The funny thing is this actually works, it just rots your soul as it's working. See Matador...

Mystery -"It’s time to see how much their value is worth… In dollars"

The guys will get onstage to get auctioned off and have a few moments in which to tell a story. Here, I'd opt for doing some grounding about myself and the type of person I am as oppose to telling antecdotes, which feel force in this format.

The guys start practicing their stories on each other...

Matt is telling a story about getting a wine and cheese scholarship, sadly there is no
mention of a stripper or ex gf...

Simion is telling a story about sherpas, and backpacking through India

Brian is talking about going to TJ to get Tacos…

Brian’s having the show’s first mental breakdown before we cut to commercial. He looks near tears ( he's not Rian so he doesn't actually cry) but he can't remember what to say and he's freaked out.

When we come back from the break the guys are onstage at this luncheon for older women who will be bidding on them.

Brian is up first he he says he was looking for white people… He lies about dating a girl and then busts out a dance. He's shimmying all over the stage and generally being a clown. The problem here as I discussed with Shaft last week over dinner is that his friens probably reward him for being this weird. He probably hangs out with a bunch of equally socially awkward guys who think this is cool.

Matt’s up next and talks about being a master winemaker… he acknowledges that he takes some poetic license. A.K.A Mystery teaches guys to lie. He gets bought by a huge old lady and his face looks like Simion just killed his sister.

Rian- Talks about how he loves the stage but he’s way over the top an comes off like the Joker. Way too animated and weird seeming. He then tries to flex and show off his legs to drive up the bidding. He later refers to this as body language DHVS. No they were non verbal indicators of desperation.

Simion the rapist is up and says he doesn’t want to brag but he’s a great person. So was Jack the ripper… He’s also painted his nails black, in an homage to Mystery. I'd make fun of this more if I hadn;t done it myself at one point. The black nails opener is a great opener, but you need to match the rest of your outfit to the nails to be able to pull it off. Sadly Simion does not. Though he does have some interesting things to show girls in his van...

Greg is last. He talks in a weird voice, that isn’t him. Now he talks about his Mormon service mission. Nothing says fun like service. He adds the hyperbolic final line about leaving a boy and coming back a man. They cut to commercial as Greg is $ 50 below winning the comp.

When we come back from break we learn that Greg doesn't get the extra $50 and Matt is our winner. He gets to have Tara by his side to give him great advice like " be yourself, be confident, and of course be cool...

Now they’re learning about hired guns. Again a stupid term, because there are a ton of different types of these girls and you game them all differently. Bartenders, shooter girls, go-go dancers, an strippers to name a few. Let's just lose the precious 10 seconds it will take to specify who you're gaming and call the girls by their job titles. We really don't need to be weird! If Obama can win the presidency we can make pick up normal in 2009. YES WE CAN!!!!

This is another example of poorly timed information as these guys CAN”T HOLD A CONVERSATION YET!!!! They don’t need to learn this stuff yet. I really hope that Mystery is being pressured by VH1 to push these guys forward and he doesn't actually think these guys are ready for this. They can barely open! They should be focused on building social comfort, breaking rapport an touching right now, while having COMFORTABLE conversations. You have to learn to walk before you can run. I really do think the show is pressuring them to push forward.

They’re learning to neg and insulting Tara, this is amazing!!!

Brian says she's the orangest girl he's ever seen

Simion says she looks like his half brother… He fails to mention he killed him.


Now it’s time to go to a bikini model show…

The guys all look stressed out as Rian cries AGAIN!!! Fuck! Man up dude! You consistently look like a little bitch EVERY week. He's talking about how he wears his heart on his sleeve. Guess what that's not what men do! Men are supposed to be emotionally stable so that we can allow women the freedom to wear their emotions openly.

Matt tries to help him, but he’s crying and talking about how he can’t remember the lines. Matt parrots back some of Mystery’s advice about failing spectacularly. And thankfully we leave this scene. I would literally slap Rian, if I was teaching him. He needs a MASSIVE event to transform him. I hope he gets cut.

Again on the way to meet girls they are not having fun or getting in state.
You can’t be nervous or in your head and have this stuff work. Especially Mystery's material which is crafted to give the air of confidence. if you're having a panic attack, negs don't work.

Mystery is wearing chainmail… and a peasant shirt under it. I guess medevil times is his next "avatar" I heard the one in Dallas is looking for a Sorcerer. So Erik if you need a job once you're show's done. Holla at ya boy.

Tara talks about how’s she’s been a hired gun for years… And doesn’t like being treated like a piece of meat. Thank you for that insight. She apparently doesn't mind being called a hired gun or being eye candy on a reality show.

Matador thankfully isn’t wearing sleeves. Everytime I see him in sleeves I break out in a col sweat...

Matt is trying to imitate mystery’s vocal cadence, again, I'd make fun of this more if I didn't try the same thing. Now I just do a kick ass Mystery impression.

Greg pussys out of opening and instead hovers close to a 2 set. Yikes he opens with did you slip and then asks what agency she’s from and why she’s not sweating. Greg really can't seem to get out of the interview questions as he used to open by talking about the weather. He needs an opener he thinks is fun. That way he'll enjoy doing it instead of using situational ones like he oes here.

Mystery asks if he’s failing them… He’s not he’s just expecting them to improve faster than they are capable.

Brian goes right into a big group of 5 models and a guy. Then he gets really weird by talking about pickle juice. Then he chases as she walks away. Again no social calibration, and he thinks being weird is funny.

Next he negs the girl by calling her orange and offends them…

Brian feels bad in his heart and doesn’t realize he fucked up by being CREEPY. He's blaming the girls when he can't see that what he's doing is really weird.

Mystery is saying he has to sit down with them, but doesn’t realize he hasn’t addressed their sticking points instead he’s just kept pushing them forward. He's rewarded mediocre results. The truth is guys you don't nee game to open and get phone numbers, they'll all just flake or not answer. Just cause these guys are passing challenges doesn't mean they're improving, anything other than their inability to open. Which I agree is half the battle.

Rian is doing well, then ejects because he didn’t try to isolate.

Matt and Tara head in, and Matt freezes up. He can’t approach…

He freaks out these girls by approaching from behind. Tara comes back in and it helps a bit. Now he’s back in… Ohh too many negs and he gets called on it. he asks the girl if she mostly does hand modeling then calls her hands kinda manly. These negs contradict each other and just make you a dick. You don’t need this many negs and she actually PHYSICALLY MOVES AWAY before he ejects… these guys have learned 0 ways to break rapport besides negging.

Simion the rapist rolls up, and starts talking to dudes… Now he’s in with the same girl Matt blew out earlier.. He gets a number WAY too soon… The girls think he’s gay. The girls notice his nail polish and he starts Johnny Storming it up( that's the real name of the human torch for those who don't read fantastic four). He number closes in like a minute and the girl seems interested. In having a gay best friend she can get her nails done with. Look I come off gay sometimes(esp in Texas and London) you can use that to get more room to sexually escalate. But you have to make it clear You're trying to fuck her...

Simion the ripper wins.

Mystery says it's clear he was listening.

It’s not clear that he’s listening and Mystery was talking shit when he got the number… He's just saying that for the show. Lame.

Matt thinks his set was successful… Even though the girl almost ran from him.

Elimination time comes early this episode as Mystery wears a fur coat.

Medallion time- this one promises success…

Matador has white pants on, he’s missing a moustache, the cloud of brut, and a tank top.

Brian gets eliminated giving us at least one more episode of rian’s tears…
I’m sad that my favorite guy is leaving. But it makes sense he couldn’t stop being a fucking weirdo.


In a bizarre leaving video, he talks about how he’s ready for kissing apparently…

Let's go to this week's power poll:

1. Matt- I actually think Matt will win despite still having MAJOR AA. He keeps winning challenges during the day and he's talking like Mystery, which I know Erik Appreciates.

2. Greg- He's good looking so he never does that badly but he really isn't using anything he's learned and that will catch up with him. He's still somewhat normal though which is more than I can say for the next 2.

3. Rian- He's a bitch, I wanna slap him. But he doesn;t make me want to call the police so he's # 3.

4. Simion- He won today but he still gives us 2-3 cringe worthy moments of creepiness EVERY episode.


Til next week...

S