Monday, November 24, 2008

Episode 7: I can't believe it got worse...

So every week I keep thinking that the show can't get any worse, and every week it does. It's like watching a train wreck while being waterboarded.

Seriously, not only am I gonna have to start smoking pot again to watch the final, I'll have to chase it with 3 xanaxs, a fifth of Jack and a shotgun blast to the face...

This is the pain I put myself through to bring comedy to you guys, so I hope it's appreciated. I remember laughing when CJ said he'd rather grate his balls with a cheese grater than watch the show, now I'm thinking " how long would I have to grate them for?"

Ok so this week we start with the famous " who's going to walk through the door" montage again. Simion, or escaped inmate # 71893 as the penal system knows him, says he hopes it's Rian the crier(who's a bitch btw check out his lame ass youtube videos if you want to up the pain) or Greg the actor. For all those comments about how the show is fake because there's an actor on it; ALL reality shows are made up mostly of actors because they want to get on TV to get "discovered". Now usually this goes well as evidenced by that movie Trishelle from Real World Vegas made about the high school ninjas. I look forward to seeing Greg in "Bring it on 76:It's been broughten, returned, and restocked."

Simion who is still sporting black nails, because he's not quite edgy enough with simply his follow me into an alleyway at your own risk charm, says he hopes it's Rian because Greg is more of a threat. He also goes on a rant about how he's already won. If he means the award for creepiest reality show contestant of all time, he's right. But we still got 32 minutes of show here and I'm kinda wishing we could just give it to him now and save me the next 75 minutes of my life. But he's getting really cocky about the whole thing. This is going to be horrible for his development overall as he's now firmly into stage 2 of PUA syndrome " Become smug and arrogant about your abilities despite the fact you're not getting laid".

You have to stay as humble as possible about your abilities with women. I didn't follow this initially and got messed up. Being good with women is great, it adds a lot to your life and girls are amazing! However it's NOT a reason to feel good about yourself or more dangerously feel better than other people. Trust me this is from first hand experience.

Now I just look at myself as someone who's good with women, because of who I am as a person. Girls just like me. That's it. Anything beyond that becomes ego based and makes you a slave to things like approach anxiety and validation seeking behavior. Simion is in the first stage of falling into a very dark place. He's even more at risk because people are going to start giving him props for being on the show. He'll get recognized and stuff like that and it will reinforce his view that he's the shit which will make him act more aloofly and arrogantly while still being creepy. I hope he pulls his way out of this for his sake... And for the sake of the hookers in his hometown :)


As we already know Greg comes through the door and who is the first guy to hug him a moment after talking about how he hopes he's gone... Simion! At least this time he has a shirt on.

Mystery and co roll in.

We interrupt this blog post to give the weekly Sleeves Update sponsored by Sinns Of Attraction INC. This week there are sleeves. The forcast is for a removal of these sleeves with scissors later on in the show. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

The guys assignment this week is to teach a friend of theirs from their hometowns. Let's check out this motely cast of characters:

Matt's friend is NOT a 90 year old guy named Sol and instead is a rotund guy named Chuck. I hate calling the guy fat cause he seemed like a good dude who was just there to help his friend, but there's no way around a weight problem. Maybe Glandularlly chanllenged? He also has a fatty beard. Like a Lumberjack. I'm not saying it's impossible to pick up chicks as a morbidly obese Lumberjack wearing some kinda shirt that looks like it's for the X files, but it's gonna take one charming ass fella.

Greg's friend is a dorky looking dude named Derek. Derek is the typical I don't need this stuff nerd. Now some guys don't need it, because they're not that sexual of people and they don't have a huge desire for companionship. This guy may just be one of those guys who's happier playing on the computer all day than with a girl cuddling. He's probably not though, he probably just feels like it's not worth the effort or that this is the way he's always going to be. It was pretty obvious he wasn't going to do well.

Simion's friend is his old college fraternity brother. I wonder what fraternity Simion was in, Kidnappa Rape-a, Killa? His friend is Ryan. Ryan actually seems like he wants to get better with women, and he's certainly the most committed as he gets his lip pierced.

So the guys take them for fashion makeovers. They did a pretty good job. Except for Matt who doesn't get Chuck to shave his beard or wear clothes that hide his... condition.When you dress larger guys it's important to hide the chub by accentuating the width of the shoulders. Suit Jackets, Wide lapels, and a more flowing look all help. Matt gets the guy wearing layers which only add a bit more bulk to him.

Then it's time to teach. Simion holds hands with his friend and does the trust test. At least his shirt was on. I have a theory as to why he rarely wears shirts.

When Matador, myself and Future used to teach together, Matador would roam the hotel room naked. Why would he be naked when it's just two dudes? Who knows? It all came to a head one day in Miami when Future (already uncomfortable with the situation) actually asked the seminar students what they would think about their roommate walking around naked all the time in a small hotel room. They answered they thought it was a little gay. So perhaps now Matador simply walks around shirtless all the time(Off camera I would assume) and Simion is just imitating him. Students have imitated weirder things than that before. I once had a student ask me if I wore my pants sagging off my ass for a particular reason. I responded that I used to be a "wigger". He didn't get the reference. If you don't understand it, rent "I can't hardly wait" and watch Seth Green's character Special K. As stated before, I learned to be cool off the internet :)

Finally the friends descend into the clubs like Locusts unleashed by Neil Strauss.

Sorry that's the Sunset strip on weekend nights now.

Here's my beef with this assignment. First these guys are not experienced enough to be trying to teach others. You need 30-40 lays under your belt before you should be somebody's lead instructor. You can approach coach with less but not be the only guy who's teaching. Secondly it's VERY difficult to give game advice to your friends . Unless they see you as an authority as well as a friend, they're going to resist. They already have a specific concept of you in their minds and it will be really hard for them to accept counter intuitive advice. I send my friends in the community to Brad P, or Fader, or Moxie. I know they won't listen when I tell them things. So these guys are getting a tough task off the bat.

Derek goes in first, doesn't smile or look like he's having a good time at all, and he freezes up. Greg gives him some Tara-esque advice about being confident. Then he gets blown out. He also gets opened by a girl who he promptly shuts down. Bottome line this guys didn't want it at all. It's not Greg's fault he got the worst student but he didn't really give good advice either. Greg has consistently messed up the last three episodes. I feel like he's still here based on the perception of him Mystery et al have about him from the first couple shows. He's been dreadful for the last few weeks and still hung around.

Chuck rolls in next, also doesn't seem happy to be there. Matt goes in and gives him some good advice. Matt seems like he could be one of those approach coaches who give good advice despite having little to no game. He's good at noticing the mistakes others are making.

Simion's accomplice, I mean friend Ryan goes in and gets into set the fastest. He also plows the most. He stays in a mixed set while ignoring the guy for a long time. He's got some balls and some potential. Unfortunately he also has the " Nobody puts Baby in the corner" opener. This is actually the best demonstration set for guys out there who are scared of mixed sets. This guy is kinda weird and creepy, way too high energy, and simply by ignoring the guy he doesn't get run out of the set or amogged. You don't have to befriend. You should always make the effort, but if the guy is being unreactive, just ignore his ass and keep talking. He forces a flaky number close, but it's the best performance by a friend and Simion wins the challenge.

Now it's elimination time. And it's obvious Greg is going home. Matador scolds Matt for not getting his friend to change enough by shaving the beard. I think Matt actually did a pretty good job of trying. But his friend said from the beginning that he wasn't shaving the beard. Matt didn't appeal to the right type of motivation for that guy , but he tried. My favorite part of the whole show was when he was trying to convince Chuck to practice harder by telling him "You'll be pulling 10s". Chuck just strikes me as the type of guy who might want a girlfriend but would probably be happier with a chubby 6 who likes star trek.

We get a nice medallion shot before Greg goes home. Apparently Greg is an actor but he didn't win so the conspiracy theorists out there can calm down for a week.

This week I get to give my pick for whose going to take the whole thing. It's a difficult question because Simion is super creepy and would appear to be the obvious loser. I mean the guy literally gives me chills. But he's started to harness that creepiness in a way that he can convince certain chicks he's cool. Kinda like Dante Valentine( The "other" Mystery that hangs out in Hollywood). He won't actually get laid, but he may be able to hold set as the weird guy. Especially since he came off really gay the last time we saw him out in field. Matt definitely understands the theory, but he's not great at opening. Plus he's got that weird senior citizen vibe that I'm not sure Mystery would want around. Though I guess Hawaii and his coupon clipping have that too.. It's a tough one but I'm going to say Simion pulls it off. Which is just perfect for VA and co. Their newest approach coach teaching under the alias "The Zodiac Killer, I mean Lover" and your winner of PUA Season 2: Simion

I'm now going to throw myself off the balcony of my apartment.

S

19 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:36 PM

    these are fucking great, keep it up.

    probably the best part of the episode was when simeon and his friend had their arms around each other and were about to practice 'kissing'. then matador walks by, looking like he's been homoerotically watching them for the last 15 minutes.

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  2. I'm with you on the cheese grater and balls idea! Mostly, I just continue to laugh at your after action review. It is a shame to say but I think Simeon will pull it off.

    Matt seems to hesitate on opening a lot and took a while kino escalating during the wing challenge.

    I think Simeon will win it just because as a rapist he's already comfortable with touching women. LOL.

    I wouldn't go for the balcony idea...where would the world be without a some Sinn in it?

    Peace Dude,

    Jon

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  3. Anonymous2:12 PM

    Wide lapels aren't slimming, slimmer lapels, on single or two button jackets are slimming.

    Hilarious though, Xanax before the PUA2 seems like a great idea lol

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  4. Anonymous4:06 PM

    Anyone else notice Simeon trying to play footsy with Matt while they were waiting to see you got a eliminated? Haha

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  5. Yeah! I noticed Simeon trying to play footsy too.

    He is fucking weird. He always has to be the first to hug whoever walks through the door, he uses that messed up dirty dancing opener and is always touching every guy. Slight kino is ok with buddies, but he is literally all over every guy in the house.

    I thought the last episode was insanely funny when he and matt were sitting on the same chair, simeon's shirt was off, and he had the boa on. What the hell was that!!?

    Keep in mind I don't like Matt that much, but he doesn't seem to have Simeon issues.

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  6. Anonymous7:16 PM

    Another great review.

    I found this searching for Rian's videos on Youtube:

    http://www.pickuptara.com/

    It's Tara website. Full of useless advice!

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  7. Anonymous7:25 PM

    Awesome review. I don't even watch the show as I don;t own a TV but I see some clips on-line. But your reviews have been priceless!!!

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  8. Anonymous7:51 PM

    Simeon rules! He might be the first PUA to appear on America's Most Wanted. Well if does win him and Matador can run around the clubs together with their boas playing grabass with each other.

    PUA Season 2 = Fail

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  9. Anonymous7:50 AM

    haha the only reason for a community interested guy like me to keep watching this crap is your weekly review....hilarious!

    really spot on, sinn!

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  10. Ok man you officially have the funniest reviews on the internet. I'm gonna have to go back and read all the previous reviews now.

    Love your comments on the common mistake of thinking, "im the shit" and letting your ego prevent further growth. I think to some extent we've all been 'that guy' at one time or another and i would have loved to have skipped that pothole.

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  11. Welsh_Dragon11:50 AM

    I watched this episode last night. What garbage. These guys are clearly not ready to be "teaching" anyone, much less chode hometown friends. They are as useless as Tara without makeup.

    The fact that Simeon's (sp?) guy won the challenge was 100% stupid blind luck and also predictable beforehand given the other guys.

    Albino man may have #closed (in the most befuddled, bizarre way) but holy shit. Plus the guy from the set SET HIM UP and he didn't even see it. LOL.

    Sometime I wonder whether Mystery & co. really want to show the real deal at all.

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  12. Anonymous12:47 PM

    Its a reality show, lets not get all worked up

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  13. Dude Sinn you are out of control funny. Do you know what the time frame for this show is? Is each episode a 1 day event or are these guys just such incredible fuck ups that they can't become retardedly successful with like weeks of daily training?

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  14. To them, the entire show is a joke. So it's only fair we include them in our jokes.

    This is why I can't fully repsect Mystery and co. Matador is an idiot. Tara says 3 words/episode. And Mystery, yeah he's good at attracting women but I always wondered how good he is at keeping them. And from what I hear around here, he's not that good.

    I'd rather use some of his principles (sans lines) and have real connections and relationships with women and opposed to just saying that I can pick up any girl in the room and lay a different girl every night.

    It sucks but there was so much potential with this show and once again, it's been sold out to the fake meaning of a reality show.

    [/rant]

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  15. Anonymous3:12 PM

    Its not weeks of daily training, dude

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  16. I'm very disappointed to learn about the reemergence of sleeves. Sniff sniff.

    Quite frankly, this is one of those times that I'm grateful that I don't watch TV. Thankfully Sinn has absorbed the fashion disappointment for me.

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  17. Anonymous1:33 PM

    This is really funny. Hahaha Sleves update!!
    I haven't even seen this damn episode...I had better things to do like get ready for my Las Vegas trip.
    But yeah Jon, you're on the money as usual.

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  18. Shrooms11:55 AM

    OK so how much does Simeon remidn you of John Mark from those VH1 Parody videos lol.

    Check it

    http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Rom3ufES2gE

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  19. Anonymous1:31 PM

    Check this one out:

    http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v887/206/70/2210969/n2210969_45932900_3958.jpg

    LOL:P

    NOT A WIG;)

    ReplyDelete