Monday, June 22, 2009

Incongruence revisited...

Hey guys,

I'm sure that I've written about incongruence before... Mystery has a famous video on it and what not, but I still see incongruence as a MAJOR problem for most guys trying to get better with women.

Incongruence happens when what you say, who you present yourself to be, or how you say things does not match up. It's what happens when an overweight guy in his 30s approaches a group of 20 somethings stumbles through an opener while barely making eye contact and then accuses the girls of hitting on him...

Quite simply, it's not going to fly.

One of the things that stood out this weekend at the final 12M2M bootcamp was just how different certain lines and techniques come off with bad delivery.

Take for example the idea of playfully calling girls out for bad behavior. When done correctly, not only does this help build attraction, but it demonstrates dominance as well. However it's not something you can do every interaction. It has to be situationally relevant or it comes off as uber weird... Seriously imagine giving someone a firm handshake and having them scold you on it... Or imagine them bringing up the idea of the handshake 3 minutes later...

One of incongruence's favorite allies is situational irrelevance. What that means is that what you're doing is irrelevant in the situation. This is one of the major ways guys come off weird. And something that can be tough to develop if you lack it naturally. It usually happens if guys never had a default way to communicate their personality before learning pickup. These are the guys who neg your girlfriend or try to amog they're bosses...

Another thing to think about is the emotional expression behind the lines and techniques themselves. Without the proper emotions ( or illusion of emotions) tactics and techniques do not work. That's why one of the most important attraction switches is emotional honesty. Girls must believe that you're saying what you're saying because that's how you feel here in the moment. Imagine a blank faced sociopath walking up to a group of girls and telling one of them her last boyfriend didn't spank her enough. Scary...

And lastly think about the type of guy people think you are and the type of guy you're trying to portray yourself to be. There's a lot of guys out there who try to portray themselves as these big players with stripper ex girlfriends, who get in fights etc... While looking like a guy who works at the local blockbuster. You have to be able to convince people you are who you're portraying yourself to be. And best of all you don't all have to portray yourselves to be someone you're not to get attractive women. It's a matter of utilizing strengths and masking disadvantages.

Hope that helps explain incongruence a bit more clearly, if you get blown out a lot you and you are starting to think the material doesn't work for you, you're probably incongruent.



  1. Excellent post on incongruence,
    Really hitting home when I read that Sinn. I do have a question, how do you use a proper grounding technique?

    Because I use some techniques and I'm completely oblivious on how I did it. Please shed some more light, thanks again.



  2. Gaelic12:11 PM

    Cool post. It explains what incongruence is, but... it doesn't explain how to fight incongruence ?

    What method can we use to blast incongruence ? Can we learn to learn pick-up material while making it congruent with our person ? If yes, how ?

    Hope you have some self-improving way of becoming more congruent ;)

  3. Nice post.

    Think what you were saying about emotional expression is a key component.

    You talk about it often in regards to getting to a place in your mind where sex isn't a big deal and I think once you get to that point it gets a lot easier to run these routines, convey your personality/congruence, etc.

    Thinking that, because you are not beginning with the end (sex) all up in your mind, it allows you to be more in the moment and amusing yourself, just talking to the girl like you would talk to a random dude or one of your coworkers or something and that's when they start to become more attracted to you.

    It's really hard to get to that point though. Especially if you watch a lot of porn and are too much of an asshole to admit that you are terrified of your own emotions.

    Read Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, sensational book.

  4. Hey Gaelic,
    and sorry sinn to answer this on your blog.

    The best thing to do with incongruency, I was incongruent in business at some point and its all gone away.

    The thing I did that really helped me out was to influence my core beliefs. And I wrote something about this on my blog called, "A really cool way to kick start your life."

    This helped deal with my incongruency and everyone that has done this exercise has found it useful.

    Take care and best of luck,


  5. Anonymous5:51 PM

    What is the name of that Mystery video on incongruence? Where can I find it?

  6. I think you hit the nail on the head on this one as to why so many "methods" don't work for different guys. It's not that the method itself is wrong, or that the guy is not applying it's that the method was never meant for certain guys.

    It's really about finding a system that works for you as an individual!

  7. Hey Sinn, good post here!