Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Ain’t no question if I want it, I need it
I can feel it slowly drifting away from me
I’m on the edge, so why you playing? I’m saying
I will never ever let you live this down, down, down
Sooo I wrote This Post a few weeks back and it must have worked like a reverse jinx, because I've actually been doing better with girls than ever.
Especially this late in the year...
However, all is not well in the Land of Jon...
Ever since a certain girl who subsequently went on to ruin my Birthday, sat me down to give me this horrible talk, I've been WAY too worried about the aftereffects of my actions.
Namely, I'm not a monogamous person, I bring this up early on and girls clearly understand that I'm not always looking for return business as evidenced by this text message I got from a girl I slept with on Sunday.
"Haha look all I'm saying is no pressure to get back ever ;P like I wouldn't mind doing this again, but if it was just a one time thing I get it LOL"
But for some reason I still feel like I hurt this girl's feelings...
I used to not care.
Actually that's not true, before I didn't care, I was REALLY angry at women. Specifically at my Barrie my first girlfriend, and at my Mom for cheating on my Dad.
Somewhere along the line I let that go, and I started to love and appreciate women again. But I was still detached, cold, very much in control of my emotions and actions.
At least when it came to women...
I went a LONG time without EVER getting emotionally involved with a woman. Sure there were a lot of girls I slept with, a decent amount I "dated", a couple I even saw for a long time. But no girl in LA,Dallas, or Miami got in...
until then there was Kristen.
And my pretty little illusion of control got shattered. I let my anti-intimacy forcefield down and got a year long reminder of why I was the way I was. Now that I'm finally out of it and don't want her anymore, I'm still haunted by the words she cried into her pillow that night, the night that should have been the end of our relationship.
"Think of all the girls out there who cry over you, that you never see."
Now I do, and it's changing my behavior.
I turned down a girl who was throwing herself at me over text because she was obviously looking for more commitment than she's going to get from me. Same thing with not hooking up with a friend's roommate recently... I'm thinking about the break ups and how I can make minimize the damage to her feelings as much as possible.
Which is not the most helpful thing to be thinking about...
Last night I called some friends of mine, and after all agreeing I'm crazy (I've admitted that for years) many of them thought this was a good thing.
Maybe but it's making my carefully crafted juggling act of a life much more difficult.
JS- The King of long winded overly dramatic posts about his feelings :)