I was laying on my bed last night when for some reason God decided to speak to me, he kinda sounded like James Earl Jones.
" Jon, Jon, Jonnnnnnnnnn"
What the fuck, I thought, wondering if that weed I bought was a little too good.
" Jonnnn, this is God."
I tried to cover my ears with a pillow but no luck.
" You have a problem? Right? I mean I'm God, I don't just show up at every Tom, Dick and Harry's house to talk about their problems with getting laid too much. So make this quick, I gotta get back before Johnny Carson starts his Tonight Show Heaven version."
He still does the show in Heaven eh? What's gonna happen when Leno dies?
" You think Leno's gonna make Heaven?"
Well, uh, probably not, OK... Yeah I guess I do have a problem. See it's like this God, I'm really good at everything leading up to sex, but everything that happens after is starting to cause me some annoyance.
" Annoyance? Like what you got the HIV?"
No, knock on wood.
" You got the Herp?"
Again, no thank Go... You, I guess.
" Oh let me guess, you knocked up some scummy porn actress chick and she's gonna keep the kid. That's a rough draw.."
No, I didn't knock any Porn chick up! I'm just having a lot of guilt, and I'm thinking maybe this whole me sleeping with all these girls and not committing thing is creating bad karma or something.
" My Karma ran over my Dogma. Lol you gotta admit that's funny!
Puns NEVER get old.
But seriously, that's what you're depressed over? You THINK you might be causing problems for girls who made the choice to sleep with you? They're not even breaking your car windows anymore?
No, but thanks for bringing that up... Are you gonna help me or just judge?
"I mean, don't get me wrong, personally think they're kinda stupid,and they definitely didn't do too well on the decision making part of the SAT, but it's not anything to get all bent out of shape about. I mean it's not like you're forcing them, like all sorts of people in the Bible. So what's the issue? There's at least 6 Billion people I could be talking to with worse lives here..."
So why are you here? I'm sure there's a lot of people that complain about their lives and want you to fix them...
" Well, remember how you used to think I was actually conspiring against you? Like that one November a few years ago where you got Last Minute Resistance from like 8 girls in a row?"
" I might have been messing with you a little, but only with that one girl who flew out to visit you and got her period. And maybe like two others...
So you came here to apologize?
" I'm God, you think I'm gonna apologize to a traveling vagabond pick up teacher?"
So you're here to Gloat????
"I'm here to tell you that you have two choices, you can continue to live the way you do and deal with the negative emotions that are part of all you silly little humans break ups( Even if their just for a night), or you need to change what you're doing. It's pretty simple, but ever since that whole flood misunderstanding, I've found the need to actually spell out what you fuckers need to be doing."
So pretty much stop being a pussy?
" You got it. Good talk."