Friday, May 04, 2012

Developing an internal mute button

 This is kind of a weird concept, but it's been working really well for me and my phone coaching students, so I wanted to share it with the blog.

 It goes like this; we all have thoughts that run through our heads when we want to approach, during an approach, etc...

They're generally not helpful thoughts either, they're things like:

 "I hope no one sees this"
 " This isn't going well"
 "What am I gonna do next?"
 " This girl could never like me because I'm too fat, old, ugly, etc..."

 Everyone has these thoughts but the difference between guys who are good with girls and guys who aren't is that guys that are good with girls ignore those thoughts. Somehow some way, guys who are successful (And pick up nerds like myself who get there through state) manage to not engage in those thoughts or allow those thoughts to overtake them making their behavior wooden, stilted and awkward.

The thing that really made this idea click for me was when I started to try to turn the volume down on these thoughts. I couldn't instantly get rid of them, but I could make them a little quieter each time I had them. As I made them softer and softer, I started to feel better about my interactions and have better interactions more frequently.

And eventually I became able to just kinda instantly mute the thoughts as they come into my head which has made my game much better and made approaching much more fun as I can focus on the good parts instead of having to deal with bad inner dialogue.

 I encourage you to try this, start by seeing if the next time you get some of this bad internal dialogue, you can close your eyes and imagine yourself muting it like on a TV ( I know even think of a mute sign coming on in the corner). But if that doesn't work the first time, don't worry and instead try to turn the volume down on those thoughts, as even a little will still make a big difference.




  1. Thoughts like these is how depression works. Dealing with them is how depression gets cured. There's tons of literature about this. Check out "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns. Should definitely be helpful since you will recognize some of these unhealthy patterns in most of your clients.

    Greetz from Germany,
    Eric, Psych geek

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  3. Anonymous2:15 PM

    I never muted those thoughts. I was thinking about them as mental noise because those voices are not true, becuse your brain is not fucking medium. It is ust random shit that goes through head while you are doing it anyway. No need to working on them in my opinion.

  4. Anonymous5:42 PM

    Sinn, I also like what you have to say about fear and confidence. What your brain is doing is sending a fear response, a response that isn't that rational since talking to girls isn't very dangerous.

    Once you have approached consistently and have seen you aren't going to get assaulted or permanently embarrassed, the messages from your brain should go down, or will be much easier to just tolerate.

  5. Anonymous12:28 AM

    Great post buddy. Yeah things like affirmations and rituals I believe also helps stop those thoughts. You can train your mind into believing certain things that can help not hinder you. I've watched a lot of boxing lately and those guys constantly say things out loud and to themselves to create intense self-beliefs that give them confidence and so on. They also know how to re-frame thoughts, get rid of negative incoming ones and so on.

  6. Ablaze (The best comment monkey on this blog. Period!)12:11 PM

    I work several different sales jobs and "developing an internal mute button" is pretty much the same thing that I do in sales. I need to be focused on what's going on in front of me so having a bunch of negative self talk swirling around in my head distracts me from the moment. It's also hard to fully commit to something when your mind won't stfu.

    I think it's harder to do when picking up, though. If someone rejects what I'm selling, they're not really rejecting me, they're rejecting my product or service. In pickup, they're rejecting me. It takes a higher level of awareness and maturity to deal with rejection when the thing being rejected is yourself.

    Good post.

  7. Anonymous7:36 PM

    I wish that keyboard jockey Ablaze would kill himself. Seriously. Get a life.