Monday, November 08, 2010

Relationship Patterns

Relationships tend to happen in patterns,and believe it or not we all have a pattern, whether or not we realize it.

Now I don't want to get all Dr Phil on you here and start talking about why we go through these patterns.

There's some evidence to suggest a lot of different reasons:

Some people would say that we go through a pattern until we realize what we're doing and correct the mistake. I call this the Groundhog day school of dating. Keep making the same mistake and hopefully eventually you fix it. Not the best answer.

The more fatalistic among us believe that we go through patterns because everything happens for a reason.

Optimists believe it's to bring you closer to the person you're supposed to end up with in the end. It's a nice sentiment, but it only applies if you actually do fix your pattern and end up with someone happily ever after...

Whatever the reason, you may find yourself going through a pattern you're not happy with. Most people whether they want to believe it or not go through dating patterns they're not happy about. Think about the girl who dates jerks or the rich guy who dates gold diggers.

You may find yourself dating the wrong kid of woman over and over again.

You may find yourself getting too serious too quickly and then resenting your committed relationship.

Hell, you may even find yourself getting into relationships and then cheating.

I'll give you some examples to further explain what I mean.

I used to have a friend who would get into REALLY intense relationships with girls, where the L word was being thrown around very quickly, his life turned into a co-dependent mess very quickly. When these relationships would inevitably end(because you MUST have separate lives to succeed in a relationship) he would be devastated before meeting a new girl and beginning the entire process all over again.

My best friend Raine has a pattern, she dates a girl she can control entirely. Whenever the girl attempts to stand up for herself or tries to change the relationship,Raine threatens to end the relationship, which leads said girl back to Raine in fear of being alone. Wash-Rinse-Repeat for the 10 years I've known Raine.

My other friend Nicole, has not been single for one day since we were Sophmores in High School. She meets a guy, dates him, makes him her boyfriend, and then cheats on him with a guy who becomes her next Boyfriend.

And it wouldn't be fair to put all these people I know on blast, without talking about my own pattern. I fall for extremely inappropriate and oftentimes emotionally unavailable women; Bitchy girls, Party Chicks, women who aren't sure if they're gay or straight. Somehow I win them over, and it's amazing until I remember that I work as a Pick Up Artist and that I don't want a girlfriend. I start intentionally pushing the girl away. Eventually the girl decides that she's not happy "being with you one day out of 6" and moves on. At which point if there really was a connection there, I decide that I really was in love with her, usually based off of very biased memories of the good times. Cue a usually half assed and self absorbed attempt to get back together, and I end up back where I started out.

The point of this post is to get YOU the reader to look at your own relationships, not as things that happen to you. But as things that we have a control over, both positively and negatively.

If anything this post should inspire you to look back on your past relationships, from a different perspective.

By stepping back and taking an objective look at your past with women, you will learn a lot about yourself. Most likely, it will be things you don't want to know. It might seem kind of masochistic, but it's only by understanding where we have gone wrong in the past, that we'll be able to make different and better choices going forward.

Don't be like one of my friends from the examples. One day I confronted this person about their pattern. I gave them a complete run down on what I had watched happen with a variety of people they'd had relationships with over a fairly long period of time. I was rational and non-judgemental with my analysis. I also stuck to the facts, the actual chaos brought into this person's life because of the kind of relationships they had.

Long story short, we're no longer friends and this person is still having the exact same kinds of relationships.

As Edmond Burke famously said, " Those who don't know history, are destined to repeat it."

JS-The King Of Content


  1. Anonymous11:13 AM

    golden stuff, I should reflect on my own relationship

  2. Anonymous3:47 PM

    have you ever been in a long relationship?
    longer than 6 weeks?
    stick to one night stand advice.

  3. Anonymous4:55 PM

    hell of a post jon......

  4. Anonymous5:11 PM

    Love it. I just got out of a long term relationship and am about to dive back into pick up. I should take a look back before I start 'sarging' consistently. Thanks man!

  5. Anonymous9:06 AM

    there is actually two main things which we have to fix. 1. our destructive patterns/habits
    and 2. our egos

    if we don't, we are going to be repeating those cycles over until we reach a certain age where we are no longer young enough to attract a mate and end up and die with our loyal and submissive cat/dog which doesn't give us the crap which we no longer can take from humans.

  6. Anonymous7:42 PM

    This is an amazing post. I agree and respect every single line you wrote.

  7. I just happen to be passing by when I read your post. Nice post and keep up the good work!

  8. Anonymous1:07 PM

    Really enjoyed the post. But I would love to see a follow up post on how to actually start changing your relationship habits once you recognize what your current ones are. It seems easy to say, "Just don't do that anymore," but I feel like that is overly simplistic and probably going to be ineffective for most people (such as your former friend whom you told about her habits). Thanks.

  9. Thanks for this post, it's very insightful. Most of us do tend to fall into relationship patterns and often don't realise it. I'm a counsellor and psychotherapist and I see these patterns play out between couples. I wrote a blog article called "Relationship Patterns That Lead to Distress" that you might be interested in - it's three of the most common patterns that can cause relationship issues
    Great post!