Fuck The Holidays; Fuck Them in Their Fucking Ass- A Rant in the Style of Drew Magary

I hate the Holidays!

Not in a not so funny romantic comedy starring washed up has beens like Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon type of way.

In a now I remember why I left the country two years in a row to get away from this pathetic, capitalist, LAZY, Boring 4 week stretch of slow torturous agony, that runs from Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve.

Oh how I loathe the Holiday season, let me count the ways.

1. Everybody is on vacation... Business hours when things get done have become a thing of the past since around Dec 20th. Leaving people who like to ya know be productive members of society like myself, talking to voicemails and being forced to chill. And I'm not Chris Bosh, I want to work and continue to make things happen, but I'm being forced into inactivity. Grrr.

2. Everything is fucking closed! Fuck, Christmas and Christmas Eve are the Worst. I stocked up at Whole Foods last Thursday like a Somalian refugee. Then was bored to death of eating salads and pre-mades by about 3PM on Christmas day. Not to mention when my roommate and I went to go get some delicious holiday desserts do we wouldn't show up empty handed at various holiday shindigs(Which I'm getting to in a second) we were turned away because it was 3:01 and they closed on 3PM on Christmas Eve. As I stood there kicking the door, and yelling " The children at Clover Elementary will have NOTHING for Christmas". The menial wage employee simply shrugged her shoulders and said and I quote " Mi yob is mi yob." Plus my Kickboxing coach is on vacation and the gym is closed til January 2nd, Yoga classes have been canceled, School is on a break and I am left with few productive options and a lot of time to online shop. A dangerous combination if ever one existed.

3. Family. Families are FUCKED UP. Everyone's is, and if you say any different you're a Goddamned liar. I luckily don't have a family, as much as a network of sociopaths, People who borrow money and don't pay it back, and of course cheating whores. So I avoid this. Unfortunately it is impossible to avoid hearing about about every slapdick and alcoholic in everyone else's family. For the record, I officially DON'T care about your son's first steps, your Grandma whose a racist, or your sister who just bought a new car. Instead please eat shit and die, oh and you look like a dick in that Holiday Sweater.

4. No one goes out. As my boy Pauly D of Jersey Shore fame once said " You can't creep when it gets cold, girls stay in the house." Everyone stays in around the Holidays except for alcoholics, and the girls who were 1 step away from slitting their wrists in the bathtub with a Pink Lady Bic razor. Plus seeing as everything is either closed or empty the TV stations decide to load up on bad movies ( Roadhouse, Cocktail, It's a wonderful life) and forgo new shows. The worst offender being "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" which aired last year's Christmas special as this year's season finale. Luckily for them it's the funniest show ever. But still...

5. Gifts. I fucking hate gift giving and receiving. First of all I must smell bad, because it seems like I get about 50 different off brand ass colognes every single year. Secondly it seems like the people I hang out with are either stupid or just don't pay attention as EVERY year I get something I specifically went on a long rant about hating! It's like fucking clockwork. One year it was the movie 8 mile, another gift certificates to a restaurant I hate, this year a girl took me to Cuvee a restaurant I DESPISE as a Christmas gift. I certainly don't hold back my opinions so they're either dumb or not paying attention.

But more than gift receiving, I hate gift giving. First you have to think awkwardly about whether or not the other person will get you a gift, cause let's be honest whether or not you're a nice person, giving someone a gift and not getting one back is a giant kick in the balls or coslopus (if you're one of my 5 female readers). Does anyone get what they really want without asking for it? I doubt it. And let's be real asking for what you want as a gift kinda defeats the whole purpose. I swear now that I'm good financially, I'm gonna just start handing people cash for Christmas; Jack Donaghy style.

6. The Mall is an Atrocity. I consider the mall one of my homes away from home. I hang out, I meet girls, I eat at one of the fine and ever expanding food courts. I try on things I'd never wear and I buy beanies. A good time is had by all. But over the Holidays, my nice little relaxing malls, become the spawn of Satan. You can't park anywhere, the slection of EVERYTHING dwindles down to almost nothing and size 3XXXL Ben Rothlisberger jerseys, and there is a line for ANYTHING you want or have to do. Bathrooms? line. Check out? Line Eat? Line at fucking Sbarro. I like Sbarro but even the brothers that founded that place wouldn't stand in line for it. All in all, I am forced to stay away from my precious malls, which not only hurst me, but them, random women and the US economy.

7. New Year's Eve. Is ANYTHING in the entire world more overrated than New Year's Eve? Any party you go to is going to be expensive, crowded, overhyped and inevitably will fail to deliver. There's a reason one of my suicide attempts was on New Year's Eve, cause it blows Moose Cock. Yes it's a pretty easy night to get laid, but in all honesty, I stayed home the last two NYE's and was SUPER happy. Though last year it was becasue Kristen got hit in the head with a rock at some bar, and was mostly incoherent as I watched hour after hour of The Wire. Seriously if you have the choice between going out to pick up chicks or staying in on NYE I say stay in, cause it's fucking lame.

Fuck the Holidays, Fuck Them in their FUCKING ass!

JS