Pickup Artist Episode 4 Recap: My name is Erin and I whore myself out to be on TV!

We pick right back up at the part of the show where the guys are sitting around waiting to find out who got eliminated or the “ we’re scared someone is going home” section as I like to call it.

We're lucky this week as we go straight into the tears from Rian, who is trying to set a world record for most times crying on a reality show. I wish we had a counter like they do blind date when the guys try to kiss the girl unsuccessfully. I swear we're at 8 times this season and it's only episode 4.

Yes! As VH1 sets the bar even higher we get fart humor. Brian runs into the bathroom to fart into the tub, does anyone think this is funny? Bueller? Bueller?

Matador arrives with rolled up sleeves… WTF? How am I supposed to know which way the beach is?

Mystery looks like the cat in the hat, as he shows up in shiny PVC pants, a red and black striped sweater and of course the fuzzy top hat. He starts to ask the guys how far they've gotten physically with girls and the depressing stories from their lives begin.

Brian grabbed a boob and ran away, that’s called sexual assault. One of the guys talks about how he hasn't really touched a girl since giving piggybacks in third grade... There’s a bunch of virgins on this show, and in my opinion the bar needs to be set a little bit lower for these guys, to build a real skillset you have to learn to walk before you try to run.

Since they're all really inexperienced Mystery brings in a sexologist Erin and Whitney her assistant. These girls are probably hot, but since they don't have big boobs, for some reason they just look like blurry spots on my monitor. Weird :)

I think this lesson is out of sequence, you need to be able to get girls into bed before you try to learn sexual techniques. Teaching guys where errogenous zones are is great but these guys are still having trouble holding conversations with girls for more than 5 minutes without creeping them out( In the literary world we call this foreshadowing)

Erin wants to see what the guys have and asks them to grope a mannequin in the living room. This should be embarrassing. I personally wouldn't want to be the guy making out with a mannequin on cable, but I do have some self respect...

First up to grope a mannequin is simion- Wow this is awkward watching them grope this mannequin. It's really weird watching inexperienced guys do what they think kissing is. The angles are all wrong and were the girl living they would poking her in all the wrong places...

Brian- Looked up how to makeout, on google. He's my favorite for sure. Though I think he gets off on being weird a bit too much to actually be successful with women. El Topo was like that as well and when he stopped doing things to get reactions his game skyrocketed. there's a time and a place for quirkiness, just not all the time.

As Erin is going over the erogenous zones on Whitney the guys look like they’re gonna cream their pants. This is just ratings fetching T and A. Just like last week with the stripper.. I mean nurse.

YAY time for Erin to demean herself on reality tv! She's going to go in a pitch black room and let the guys kiss her errogenous zones. Nothing says I respect myself like letting a bunch of weirdos grope you on cable for a check and a shot to make it.

The challenge is to hit all erin’s erogenous zones while in total darkness, the reward is an earpiece with mystery on the other side.

Simion- comes in shirtless, I guess the dead hookers like that better. He looks really tense as he’s leaning over her like a dog in heat. NLater the guys bust on him for not wearing his shirt while in there and he actually defends himself... How can you not get how weird that is?

Todd- Looks super nervous and doesn’t know where to put his hands. He’s awkward like the blowjob scene in Superbad.

Matt- does ok though his facial expressions look like a monkey, I think he isn't a virgin. So that helps.

Greg- does ok, a little bit stiff and inexperienced seeming.

Brian- Walks in like a blind guy groping faces, then mauls her like a hungry bear.

Rian- cuddles her as he’s kissing her, that’s better than leaning over her, plus he hits more of the erogenous zones. He does however laugh when talking about it. Can we say SEXUAL ANXIETY?

Matt wins and gets the earpiece!

This lesson is poorly timed information, it’s an example of what I always want to avoid when teaching as it’s not directly applicable to where they are. This is only one step below teaching a bunch of virgins how to get bathroom pulls or threesomes, they need to be focusing on developing conversational skills and learning qualification. The qualification thing will show up later...

Now Mystery teaches kino escalation. I hate the term kino. Why do we have to have all these nerd terms in the community. I get that it's easier to write online, but it's seriously weird and one of the reasons most people outside of the community think it's a cult.

Tara gives the guys generic advice, be confident, and playful... Yada, yada, yada. Not all girls are bad at teaching pickup, just Tara.

Mystery’s stuff on touching is brillant, one of the major things that helped my game early on, especially the idea of releasing first. Which they don't mention on the show.


Brian reveals he practiced making out on a stack of ham… Nuff said!

In my professional opinion these guys are NOT ready to try to get makeouts, they need to build a solid base of being able to get girls interested without the allure of bottle service and a table first. I also don't think the bottle service is doing any of them any favors as it's a crutch that they won't have in their normal lives after the show.

It's time for the field test.

Yes! Matador loses the sleeves at the club! And brings back the vest. Does somebody have a band aid? Cause he's cut!

Simion is doing much better this time as he locks in nicely and actually moves a set. He clumsily places a hand on the girls leg . Tim would call this the purposeless hand of doom. He still comes off WAY too intense, this is a guy who needs to experiment with being super low energy and chill. I'd have him do The Clint Eastwood drill, for 3-5 approaches a night.

Todd- Blown out as he doesn’t ground his opener, you need to explain why you’re asking so that you don’t get the “ why does it matter?” He hooks his next approache, and moves them then does something bizarre. He busts out a toy Meercat... Why does he bust out a toy meerkat? No one knows... Then he begs for a phone number, and he’s done nothing to get it, so the girls say we don’t even know you… This is where learning qualification would have helped. The girls have offered nothing about themselves to earn him asking for their number, so they assume he just wants to bang them and their not that interested, so blown out.

Matt- Yuck! I hate the caper opener… Nice movement as he holds her hand, though it is better to have the girl move you. Now the girls are sexually baiting him with the panty talk. This is not an IOI. Mystery and Matador misinterpret this. This is classic sexual shit testing. A girl says something like that to me and she's getting banged, cause I'll prompt and pass a series of those until she's aroused, then I'll move her somewhere private and escalate. He ends by saying "May I trouble you for your phone number?” horrible. Matt would be my least favorite kind of student as he BLATENTLY ignores the advice Mystery gives him in the earpiece.

Greg- Leans in. Uses this terrible weather opener, which prompts the coaches to argue over who taught it to him. This gets my goat. Gusy stop going on workshops and using your own openers. Use the stock ones till you understand why they work. I used Jealous Girlfriend for like 2 straight years. He gets the girls to move. However the girls look super bored as he’s telling way too long of a story. Finally a girl takes a phone call and the other girls scatter like dust in the wind.

Rian- Dances as he walks in… He's Using a social opener and now he’s hooked. These guys were not taught dominance. You don’t ask to move, you tell them. He starts giving the girl a massage, I have no idea where he got that. Though it does remind me of Austin Powers offering a " sensual massage" It’s way too much given up front without her earning it. At least he isolates and kisses her on the cheek as she shrinks away… Seriously her hold body curls up as he's forcing the kiss on her. She's in a half fetal position by the end of it. All that's missing is her screaming that the dirt won't come off...

Brian- No move for Brian as he was too high energy and weird... He's gotta watch the shit he's saying as it's freakshow bizzarre sometimes and he knows it. So it's not congruent. If he acted like what he was saying was normal he'd do a lot better. Though not as well as if he actually started to censor himself.

Tara- Generic piece of bad advice.

Rian wins the field test for kissing a girl on the cheek as her body recoiled, what would he have gotten if he had raped the chick?

Medallion time- Time to get enlightened… Bitches!

Mystery’s disappointed that these guys didn’t get a kiss, and he may not have a PUA on his hands. Or it could just be that these guys need to work their way up slower. It’s not the students fault if they’re getting the wrong information at the wrong time. You have to teach to where the students are not where they are supposed to be.

Greg gets the last medallion leaving a final 5 of Simion the rapist, Matt, Rian, Greg, Brian

It's bye bye time for Todd...

This week I'm going to introduce a power poll for the remaining guys:

1. Greg- he did badly today, but he's overall doing the best. He needs to gain some sort of edge to his personality and become a bit more hard to get, but if he gets that, he can be good.

2. Rian- He's actually got some balls. Though his touching was very poorly calibrated, he goes for it. Balls will take you SUPER far.

3. Brian- He's weird and way too much of a dancing monkey, but the girls are entertained by him. That's the first step to getting them attracted.

4. Matt- He's not really showing anything in the field tests. He's also kind of a pussy. He does have the most raw material to work with though so that keeps him from being last.

5. Psycho Simion- This guy really needs to normalize his game. He has to stop with the baby in a corner opener and he needs to chill the fuck out. Maybe he needs to be medicated or something...

Till next week,

S