Dos and Don'ts for dating me...

This is really more of an open letter to the girl I fucked last night, but I'll post it here for the sake of humor and posterity.

Do- Show up on time. I understand you want to get pretty, but when we get off the phone at noon and you don't show up til 3:45 it makes me want to do certain things like I don't know... Stab Jesus.

Don't- Get lost trying to find my place and then turn around and go back to where you live. It's not going to get any closer dear...

Don't- fall in the elevator after telling me you can do anything with heels on.

Don't- Put your shoes on my couch.

Don't- Nosily look through my shit without asking.

Do- Kiss me first. Nice surprise there.

Don't- refer to my face or chest as "fuzzy" and then tell me I looked better with my goatee. A. You're opinion is irrelevant and b it's socially awkward.

Don't- Ask me how many girls I've slept with. You don't want to know...

Don't- Fish for compliments, it just makes you look(More) insecure.

Don't- Give me hours of LMR to the point that I decide to just take care of myself.

Do- Have sex with me

Don't- Try to pull bullshit games by telling me you're going to wait to see if I call you.... Lame.

Don't- Try to talk dirty to me by asking me if you feel good...

Don't- Ever try to give directions in bed. No es bueno....

Don't- Try to tell me that you're going to force me to put shoes on and take you out to eat because the pizza was taking a little longer. You saw how that worked out for you...

Do- Leave after we have sex...

Overall Internet girls are annoying and I'm probably done with my little experiment. I will be retiring with a perfect 4-0 record on internet dates. Including a 9 stripper a few weeks ago. I can deal with crazy but crazy and socially awkward will make me maim someone or throw my tv out the window..

S